C is for Coming Out

A to Z blogging challenge  day 3:

Today's subject is Coming Out.


If you are living within the spectrum of the rainbow, then more than likely at some point you will "Come Out".  This is a very personal process that is easy for some and unbelievable terrifying and painful for others. I am probably not really qualified to speak or even really to write on this subject, as I am only "out" to some of family although ALL of my friends are aware.

For me it was more of a painful terrifying process. When I was very young I felt that the strictness of our Church wouldn't allow for me to be anything other than a "normal".. I was deeply in the closet throughout my first failed marriage... and after a majorly failed relationship, I stayed in the closet throughout my 2nd marriage.. although I did tell my husband that I was bi.

At 31, I came out to my friends as a lesbian. My straight friends, even my more religious ones were extremely supportive. The family that I did tell was supportive for the most part, although they seemed to share the opinion of some of my gay friends. That this was a "phase", and that I am not REALLY gay.

Of course they don't understand the inner struggle that I endured. They don't know why I made the decisions that I did make.

Did I CHOOSE to be gay? No, I CHOSE to stop pretending to be straight. I lived a miserable existence as a "straight" woman. I was NEVER straight.. I pretended to be in order to fit in with society's conventions.. and I hated myself everyday because I KNEW I was pretending.. 16 years from when I "figured" out that I was different, is a long time to pretend. Its a long time to choose to be someone other than myself. And that is a lot of self hatred. In my opinion no one CHOOSES who they are attracted to. It just is. You love who you love.

Its not about sex. Its about seeking out that soul that will complete me. Its about trying to find that PERSON that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So.. Coming out is a PROCESS, its about trying to reach that place where we can be who we are without hiding and lying and feeling ashamed. Its about trying to find our place within our families, and our communities without the blanket of fear covering us. This process is different for everyone, and even for those that its easier for, its still difficult to live in a world where we lack the civil rights to be able to fight back against discrimination.

So yeah that is what I have to say about Coming out.