A Thanksgiving Day "THANK YOU" to our Troops and Families

A heartfelt Thank You to the soldiers that are spending the holidays away from their families. Brian, We are proud of you, and we are proud to be the family waiting for your return.

Sometimes its easy to get caught up and forget the blessings that we have in front of us. Please remember as you celebrate your holiday, there are those of us with an empty plate on our table to represent the soldier that is currently away. Remember that kindness goes a long way, and you never know what kind of trials someone else might be living.

Also THANK YOU to the man who paid for my family to eat today. It was a a blessing and I'm grateful!

LOTS OF LOVE!

CarrieAnn

Poetry: Ready To Fly (NEW)

More Poetry by me.

Ready to Fly

Lies have cocooned for so long,

Unsure how to live outside their smothering comfort.

Loved ones struggle to accept,

Religious dogma making it difficult.

Leaving behind the life known

Pursuing a life outside anything experienced.

Fear is almost a physical thing

The only other choice is to perpetuate the lies.

The road isn't easy, but its the only one left

All other options were exhausted.

To tell a lie is easy, To live a lie impossible.

It slowly chokes the life out of the liar.

The door edges open, A foot slowly emerges.

Sly glances, hesitant of the path chosen.

Tired of hiding, Tired of lies.

Ready for a change, ready to fly.

© 2011 CarrieAnnMurphy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Soldiers Kid (POETRY NEW)

My soon to be Ex-Husband is currently serving his 3rd tour overseas.  He is one of my best friends, and the father of my 3 children. This was written in honor of him, and our three monsters. The military family makes sacrifices that few can understand, and even fewer can endure. They are an amazing bunch of people that I have been very very blessed to count myself a part of my entire life. As I am getting ready to sever most of those ties, it is with bittersweet emotions. Thank you Military servicemembers, and your families for the prices you are willing to pay for an oft times ungrateful nation.  ~CarrieAnn~

Soldier's Kid

Daddy has been really busy. Mommy says he's going far away.

I know its his job, and he has to go. But I wish that he could stay.

Daddy is a soldier, and he's been called to war.

Its Daddy's job to serve on a far and very distant shore.

I try to be brave, and not to cry, but its really hard to do.

Daddy says not to worry, because he's crying too.

Its only for a year or so, and we'll write, and call.

We'll get to see him on webcam, but I still wish he was down the hall.

Daddy's getting on the bus to take him to the plane.

We cry and hug and Mommy tries to be brave.

We stand and watch until the bus gets too hard to see.

Its hard to be a Soldiers kid, but I'm so proud of my Daddy. 

© CarrieAnn  2011 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Alone (OLD)

Notes: this is from Rogues POV, and really just an exercise in
boredom. Enjoy.
TITLE: Alone
AUTHOR: Redd
RATING: PG.. Maybe.. for the word Breast
ARCHIVE: Lists, All others Ask and ye shall receive.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Rogue, but these words are mine.
FEEDBACK: Please.


I am alone here in this place.
Yet people surround me.
I am in a bubble of cautious space,
The sense of touch taken from me.

Will I never hold a lover in these arms?
Or an infant to this breast?
Although this package has its charms
There is no one unafraid of the test.

So ever the outsider looking in,
I watch these couples touch.
I think that wishing should be a sin,
When it begins to hurt this much.

I can only accept quietly,
What I long to rage against,
And every day it weighs mightily,
This power that makes no sense.


side note: the above poem is Copyright 2002 C. Kennedy please don't
use without author's permission.

Challenge Fic: Strange Hungers (OLD)

I have copied and pasted these in their original forms. I've done no further editing to them since they were originally posted in 2003-2004. 

Fiction: Strange Hungers
Author: Redd
Pairing: John/Bobby (this isn't a friendship fic... you've been
warned.)
Rating: R ish?
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to Marvel and
Fox.
Feedback: Please to raggedyredd@yahoo.com
Author's Notes: This is my answer to the Challenge in a Can, which
was: St. John- wanting- test tube. This also doubles as my second
contribution to the Fast, Loose and Lovely Pulp Fiction Title
challenge. Originally I had intended this to be a very humorous and
fluffy piece... Well, it didn't quite work out that way. Also be
aware that this is my first time every writing a same sex pairing, so
please be kind. This hasn't been beta read so.... no flames please


Strange Hungers

John sat in the little cafe down from the loft apartment he
shared with his spouse pondering over the strange feeling of wanting
that had filled him over the last year. No matter what he did, the
intense longing never seemed to leave him. If only he could figure
out what he longed for.
For the most part John had finally found peace in his life,
and more importantly within himself. He'd long since given up being
part of the super hero/ super villain scene. He'd tried both sides of
that particular career path and had found that no matter which side
he fought on people died. That was the nature of his power: to
destroy, and after a time destroying things no longer appealed to
him. So he'd given it up to indulge in a secret fantasy... to write.
More successful than in his wildest dreams, John wrote of the
trials and tribulations of being a mutant in a world that hated them.
He wrote human interest stories full of triumph and more often
despair. He'd managed to top the best-seller's charts with his last
four books. Quite a feat for a mutant that at one time was a highly
pursued terrorist.
His personal life was better than great. He had more there
then he could ever possibly be properly thankful for. He was married
to the X-man of h dreams, Bobby Drake, who was the light of his life.
His total opposite in powers as well as disposition, Bobby was the
only person on the planet with the ability to complete him.
And he feel complete, but there he was still feeling as if
there were something missing from his life. Running through a mental
list in his mind, John still couldn't find the missing piece, until a
child ran past the cafe window. A child! That was it! That is what
was missing from his life; what was missing from his marriage.
Astonished John leaned back in his chair. Wouldn't that be something,
a child of their own?
His mind raced ahead. Obviously it was physically impossible
for two men to produce a child, but science today was amazing. To
have a biological child they would just have to find a clinic, and a
surrogate mother, and a woman to donate her eggs. Then they would
have to decide which one of them would be fathering the child. Of
course there was also the option of trying to adopt. Suddenly John's
thoughts stood still. What if Bobby didn't wan't kids or wasn't
willing or...
Quite obviously it occurred to John that he needed to have
this discussion with Bobby before he rushed on making plans. John
prayed that Bobby was open to this idea, as the need had been
building in John for so long that he felt as if he were about to
explode.

That night, waiting for Bobby to return home from some X-
mission, John fidgeted around the apartment trying to get everything
just right. He had already finished cooking a romantic dinner for two
complete with candles and music, now all he needed was for his life-
mate to walk through the door.
Almost as if on cue Bobby pushed open the door, still clad in
his X-men uniform of black leather. Catching the soft sound of the
stereo that usually only he used, Bobby warily stepped inside and
closed the door, his eyebrow crinkling in concentration. He knew
immediately that something was up. John was ever the stereotypical
writer, rarely coming out of his writing induced fog long enough to
bother with anything romantic unless there were something big going
on. In fact, the last time that Bobby could remember John going to
such lengths was a few years ago when John proposed after same-sex
marriages were legalized. Allowing himself to get momentarily
distracted, a smile slid over Bobby's face as he remembered that
happy day.
John tensed as Bobby came through the door. How was he ever
going to explain this right? He was a writer, his gift was words. Why
were those words failing him now?
Bobby stood there and watched as nervousness then panic
flitted across John's features. Forcing his smile to remain in place,
Bobby asked gently, "What's the occasion, husband?"
John cleared his throat twice before answering, once for
nervousness, and the other because it never ceased to redirect the
blood flow in his body to see Bobby clad in black leather. "I...
um... This.. I've had this feeling... um.. no.. I mean..." After
several false starts John trailed off unsure of how to go on.
Bobby started towards the stairs leading up to the loft
where their bedroom was to change out his uniform, his eyes never
leaving John. He stayed silent, a feeling of apprehensiveness
wrapping itself around him, but knowing that if interrupted, it
would take even longer for John to compose himself. He also knew that
taking care of the necessary routine tasks would give John the moment
the needed to gather his thoughts.
Completely flustered by his earlier attempt, John waited for
Bobby to return downstairs and settle himself on the kitchen counter
before changing tactics. "Bobby, how do you feel about children?"
John made a show of trying to be casual about the question but
failing horribly.
Bobby, unsure where the line of questioning was headed,
debated. Did John have a child that he didn't know about? Bobby
hesitated slightly before answering, "I like kids okay, why?" Bobby
didn't bother to try and make his question casual, but nor did he
make it accusatory. His suspicions went on high alert when he seen
the relief on his partner's face.
John could tell by the look on Bobby's face that he was
botching this whole thing, and that if he didn't get to the point
soon Bobby was going to combust. "Um, Well, like I tried to say
before, I've been feeling that something was missing for the last
year or so when today, it finally occurred to me that we should
consider becoming parents. That is I really would like for us to have
a child... a baby." John rushed out. He then went on to list
possibilities and choices about adoption and test-tube babies.
A look of relief passed over Bobby's face as he threw up a
hand, as if to stop John's words. "Whoa! Wait a minute Johnny. You've
obviously given this a lot of thought, but I assume you brought this
up because you wanted to discuss it with me. However, my love, you
are not giving me a chance to speak. You're carrying on a monologue."
Bobby chuckled.
Hope warred with despair in John's face, "You think its a
horrible idea don't you. Its okay, you can tell me." His tone of
voice conveying that it was anything but okay.
"Johnny," Bobby said gently as he jumped off the counter, and
made his way over to wrap his arms around his husband's waist. "All I
said was slow down, so that I could actually form and possibly state
an opinion. Which I haven't done yet. This is heavy stuff. Definitely
not anything to rush into. Now, let's enjoy this meal you've
obviously went to some trouble to prepare, and table this discussion
until after dinner. Okay?"
Bobby's voice acted as a balm on John's frayed nerves. He
took a deep breath and nodded. He knew Bobby was right. There was no
reason to rush him into an immediate decision. Like their mutant
powers, Bobby's decisions were often made with a coolness that often
escaped John's whose own choices tended to be made with a hot-head.
John leaned into Bobby's embrace, thankful that he had made
it home from a job that was anything but safe. He led them toward the
table where they talked of the trivial daily things that filled up
their lives. John's writing, and skirting around Bobby's mission. As
the meal came to a close the conversation slowly shifted from the
mundane to the more serious discussion of before.
"So," Bobby began, "What brought this sudden desire for
children on?"
"Its really not so sudden," Johns said as he began to clear
the dishes from the table. "I've been feeling a need for something
for a year or so.. I just figured out what for, today. Although, I
guess I've been absently gathering information on it for about 6
months. The information was actually to be used in a future novel
that I was considering. The more I think about it though, we have so
much love Bobby. It only seems natural to extend that love to a
child."
Having helped clear away the dishes, Bobby once again settled
himself on the kitchen counter, saying, "Yeah, but Johnny, how would
we find time fo a kid? We're both workaholics, and with me being a
part of the X-men, I never know when or if I'll be coming home. Do
you really think it would be fair to a kid?"
"Bobby, we could still be good parents. It's not perfect, and
we may have to rearrange a little but I already do most of my work
from here, and if necessary, I can take up to a year or more away
from my work. Its not like we're hurting for money. Besides your
experiences with the X-men and at Xavier Institute would only serve
to make you an even better father. I'm not saying that it'll be easy,
but I really believe that it would be worthwhile." John stood in
between Bobby's knees with his hand on Bobby's shoulders.
Bobby considered for several long minutes before slowly
saying, "Here me out and don't interrupt, okay?" He waited for John's
nod in response, before continuing, "Where I'm not as enthusiastic
about this as you are, I don't feel that I child would be an
unwelcome addition to our lives. However, I am going out of town
tomorrow morning on a mission and should be gone for a few days, so
anymore serious discussion on the subject will have to wait until
then. Deal?"
Where as it wasn't a complete green light, at least it wasn't
a huge stop sign... merely a speed bump, John thought. "Deal. And
thanks for at least considering it." He said happily planting a kiss
on Bobby's mouth.
Gently extricating himself, Bobby slid off the counter to
wrap John in his arms. "It really important to you, so of course I'm
going to consider it. Although, if we were to go through with it, I'm
more for adoption the the test-tube Frankenstein route. Maybe
adopting a mutant."
"Frankenstein! Bobby, that's just not right." John playfully
hit Bobby in the shoulder before saying, "I don't know about adopting
a mutant though. Most mutants don't develop their powers until
puberty, and I wanted to start at the beginning, not jump in half-way
through the game."
"Well, we'll look into all the options. If we did have a
child, which one of us would be... um... donating to the cause,"
Bobby stammered, obviously uncomfortable with the idea.
"You." John stated having already thought it all out.
"Why me?" Bobby squeaked.
John looked at Bobby and grinned, "Well, how bad could it be
to have a child that looked as gorgeous as you do? Besides, if mutant
powers are hereditary, I'd rather our child got your powers."
Bobby decided to leave that alone, as mutant powers was a
sore point for them. "You know, they can test for the X-gene in
infants now."
"Yeah, but how popular is that?" John asked.
"More popular than you might think." answered Bobby darkly,
not wanting to divulge the details of his recent and upcoming
missions.
"Hmm... So when did you say you were leaving?" John said
softly as he pulled Bobby to their bedroom.
"Tomorrow," came his muffled reply.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
The next morning John discovered, much to his disappointment, that
Bobby was already gone. Slightly annoyed, John wandered into the
kitchen where his annoyance gave way to amusement as he spied the
carefully folded piece of paper on the counter. Opening it he read:

Johnny,
Sorry, I didn't wake you, but I figured that after last night you'd
need your rest. *wink* Besides, I knew that I'd be late if I
lingered at all this morning, and you have the most perfect ways to
get me to linger. Try not to stress over the baby thing. We'll talk
it all out when I get home.
I love you,

Bobby

p.s. There are fresh donuts in the microwave.

Taking Bobby's advice John threw himself into his work and
tried not to stress over children, but the more he tried not to think
about it, the more the feeling of wanting deepened.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Bobby found that he couldn't take his own advice. His every
other thought was of having children with John. The more he thought
of it, the more he liked the idea. He wondered what his fellow X-Men
would think.
"Earth to Iceman. Are you finished with those files yet?" The
irritated voice of Cyclops finally filtered into Bobby's brain.
Focusing once again on the task in front of him, he shook is
head in answer. Scott turned from what he was doing and shined his
flashlight in Bobby's direction. "Is something wrong? You're awfully
distracted?" Scott asked with concern that was uncharacteristic while
on a mission.
For a moment Bobby debated upon whether or not to tell his
friend and team-leader what was bothering him. "It's just that Johnny
and I have been seriously talking about having kids. You know either
adopting or going the test-tube baby route. I gotta come to some kind
of decision soon." Bobby rushed the words out just as he closed his
hand on the file that they had come for. He held it up, causing some
of its contents to fall on the floor. Reaching down, Bobby picked up
what looked like some kind of receipt. Wondering what for, Bobby
flipped open the thick file, and read through the first several
pages. What he found caused the color to drain from his already pale
face. Hurriedly he flipped through several more pages in the file.
Clutching the folder, he leaned back against the filing cabinet
causing a loud bang as the drawers closed against his weight. For a
brief second Bobby thought his lunch was going to make a sudden
appearance.
Cyclops, concerned, rushed across the tiny airless
office, "Iceman! Are you okay? What's wrong? What's in the file?"
Bobby took a gasping breath as he fought the urge to vomit.
Wordlessly he handed over the file and said, "There's hundreds of
receipts in there."
At first Scott was puzzled until he read the first receipt in
its entirety. Scott's face hardened and the thin beam of red light
emanating from his visor shone brightly.
Bobby croaked, "How could they sell their own children to a
research facility? Some of them are only babies."
Scott thought for a moment that he may have to carry the
other man out of the office building they had broken into. His own
insides were churning with anxiety and shock, so he was relieved when
Bobby mechanically followed him out.
Once they were back on the Blackbird, Scott turned to Bobby
and said, "For whatever its worth, I think you and Johnny would make
great parents, no matter how you go about having a child."
At any other moment Scott's support would have sent Bobby
over the moon. Cyclops had advocated strongly against him having a
relationship with John; not because they were gay, but because John
had served Magneto. But today getting Scott's acceptance didn't phase
him. He was too busy turning over the files contents in his mind. He
stayed quiet for much of the flight. Thinking.
Finally he said, "Its horrible that mutant children most of
them not even near the age of manifestation are being bought and sold
like cattle to mad scientists. I'm sure some of which belong to our
government. How could parents do that? Just because they're X-gene
positive doesn't mean they'll ever manifest!"
It was an old argument. One that fear-filled parents
obviously weren't heeding. They had no wish for a potential time bomb
to be housed under their roof. Scott looked up from the controls and
said softly, "We'll go after them, and we'll save as many kids as we
can."
The sentiment, no matter how heartfelt, did little to ease
the weight upon their hearts. When they arrived back at the School
they broke the horrifying news to their fellow X-Men. Professor
Xavier, predictably was extremely troubled by the news, as he'd been
fighting against this very eventuality. He asked for a few hours to
gather his own information with the help of Kitty Pryde before the X-
Men planned any rescue missions.
Precisely three hours later he returned with his own
disturbing news. The facility locations listed in the files coincided
with the addresses of orphanages that had opened and closed within
the last year, with the exception of one. In the case of each
facility the children were all transferred to the one orphanage that
had not shut its doors, and it was located only a few miles from the
Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters.
All of the X-Men were grim. News that a mutant research
facility trafficking in children was not welcome news, especially
when it was located scant miles from their own location. It angered,
and frightened them that something like that could operate under
their noses. The silence and tension in the room was almost tangible.
Rogue broke it by saying, "When do we leave?"
Quickly putting together a plan that included a team of
medical personnel to be standing by, they were ready to go.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Darkness had fallen. Clouds covered the moon. It was
difficult to see anything beyond a few inches. Outfitted in enough
stealth gear to make a Navy Seal envious, the X-Men were preparing to
launch their rescue of the children. The air around the building
seemed to hold a sinister feeling, making everyone jumpy. They chose
to enter through the front door. Shadowcat phasing through, and
opening it for the others.
Once inside, the smell of urine and feces assaulted their
nostrils, and underneath there was the stench of death. It was enough
to bring Kitty and Bobby to their knees. The rest of the team:
Cyclops, Storm, Wolverine, Rogue and Beast ventured down a long dark
hallway, leaving Iceman and Shadowcat to catch up. The hallway turned
sharply left and opened into a large open bay. This is where the
smell emanated from. Caged-in bunk beds filled the room. They
contained what appeared to be small skeletons. Human skeletons. Rogue
gave a strangled moan and choked out, "My nightmares are filled with
death-camps like this." For a moment, you could almost see the
haunting images of World War II footage of the Nazi camps transposed
over the grisly scene in front of them. As they walked past rows and
rows of lifeless children Bobby had to shift into ice form to keep
from vomiting.
Exiting the room, they entered into what appeared to be
a 'nursery', which consisted of cribs and incubators shoved
haphazardly into a tiny room. It seemed to be deserted but when they
made to leave Wolverine pointed toward an isolated crib in the
furthest corner. Since Bobby was the closest, he tentatively made his
way over to the crib, fearing what he would find. As he reached down
into it, the small form moved. He quickly shifted back to human form,
and allowing a moment of hesitation, he pulled back the dingy blue
blanket covering it. What he found was a baby of relatively healthy
appearance considering the room they had just passed through. As he
picked up the tiny child and held it to his chest, Storm gestured
that she would take the child. He shook his head and moved to follow
his team-mates into the last large room. They found it virtually
abandoned save the two gaunt, but living, teenagers strapped down to
soiled beds.
The only other worthwhile things they found at the facility
were files listing names fo actual research labs that other children
were shipped to. Wearily, defeated, and sick at heart the X-men moved
the teenagers to the Blackbird, along with all the files. As they
left Rogue lingered in the doorway and murmured in German a prayer
for the tortured souls of the dead children. Bobby wouldn't
relinquish the infant, choosing instead to cradle it to his chest. It
was one of only three survivors of over a hundred children, and to
think that this was all started with a tube of blood to test for the
X-gene made Bobby far colder than his ability to turn into ice ever
could.
Once back at the School, they were greeted by a sad, and
impossibly old looking Professor Xavier. Medical professionals rushed
the teenagers to the med-lab, and urged Bobby to bring the baby by
for an exam, while the rest of the team updated the professor. Xavier
muttered something about perhaps Erik being right after all, before
his face settled into the calm facade that they knew so well. After
they were dismissed Bobby took the now crying baby down to the med-
lab to let Hank take a look at it. Hank ran some testes and
pronounced that the baby boy was a little malnourished, but in fair
condition, more than likely sustaining no lasting effects from its
time at the facility. He approximated the baby as being no more than
a month old. With that diagnosis, Hank moved to the lab next door to
check on his teen-aged patients.
Several hours later Bobby was found still in his uniform,
feeding the now clean baby, by Professor Xavier. Bobby barely glanced
up from the baby's serene face when Xavier spoke, "I was told that
you haven't left his side since you found him."
Bobby didn't answer right away. Their comfortable silence was
filled with the quiet sucking noise of the baby eating from the
bottle. Abruptly Bobby, said, "What's going to happen to him?"
Xavier studied Bobby carefully as he answered, "We'll place
him with a suitable family." The professor noticed how Bobby's arms
instinctively tightened on the boy.
"What about me and John? Are we suitable?" Bobby's bright
blue eyes looked up, filled with hope.
Professor Xavier's face showed no surprise, but he asked
gently, "Before you take on the responsibility of this child,
shouldn't you talk to John?"
Bobby's gaze turned once again to the child in his arms.
Indecision about leaving the child alone while he called John evident
in his face.
"The wonderful thing about babies, is that they're portable,
Bobby. Take him with you." Xavier felt a small lightening of his
heart as he watched the absolute love that shone so brightly in
Bobby's eyes for this child that had only hours ago come into his
life.
Murmuring softly, Bobby strode from the room with the child
tucked securely against him. Professor Xavier watched the young man
disappear down the corridor as he felt Scott's presence come up
behind him. Conversationally he said, "Bobby wants to take the child
home with him."
Scott nodded, saying, "Good. I was hoping that he would.
Bobby and John will make great parents."
Once again another small weight lifted off of Xavier's
overburdened heart. Charles was glad to know that Scott was finally
accepting of Bobby's choice in a mate. He hoped, for Bobby and the
baby's sakes that John would agree to taking in the child. He could
see that Bobby's heart was already lost to the tiny bundle.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
*Ring* *Ring*
John reached out a sleepy hand and picked up the phone,
mumbling, " 'lo"
"Johnny?" Bobby's voice seemed unnaturally loud over the line.
This put John into instant wakefulness. Glancing at the clock
next to the bed, he saw it read 4am. "Bobby? Where are you? Is
something wrong?" John's voice was laced with panic.
Bobby sighed, instantly making the decision not to go into it
over the phone. "Johnny, Calm down. I'm okay. I'm at the School.
Everyone on the team is fine. I have a lot to tell you, but not over
the phone. I want to ask you something really important, but I'd
rather do it in person. I can't come home right now though."
"Oookay... You are making absolutely no sense. Are you sure
you're okay?" John's voice was suspicious at this uncharacteristic
behaviour.
"I'm okay, I swear. How soon can you get here?" To John,
Bobby's voice still sounded odd.
"Give me an hour." Without waiting for a response or saying
goodbye, John hung up the phone. He didn't bother changing out of his
flannel pajamas, choosing instead to stick a coat on over them. He
hurriedly packed a pair of clothes for himself and Bobby in an
overnight bag, slipped on shoes, grabbed his keys and headed out the
door. He knew that having a car in the city was a ridiculous expense,
but at this moment he was supremely glad that Bobby had insisted on
one. He took the roads as fast as he dared, arriving at the school
about 55 minutes after he hung up on Bobby.
The school was just beginning to stir, and John caught the
aromas of breakfast as he passed by the dining hall. He headed
immediately for Professor Xavier's office, but upon finding it empty
he headed for the lower levels, hoping to catch someone who knew
where to find Bobby. As he passed room by empty room, his frustration
level grew. For the first time in many years, the urge to burn
something swelled up in him. Instead, he let out a half sigh, half
growl, and made his way to the main med-lab. Finally someone! "Hank,
do you know where Bobby is?"
"Hello, John. Nice to see you. Bobby, I believe is still in
med-lab 2." The usually jovial Dr. McCoy was quite obviously subdued,
which caused John to panic even more.
He nodded at Hank, before heading to the other lab. As he
walked through the door, he saw Bobby's head peeking over a
chair. "Bobby! Thank God you're okay. I was so worried. You sounded
so strange on the phone." Coming around the chair John noticed the
rest of the X-men gathered around and sent them a sheepish smile,
before turning back to Bobby.
"John, I told you I was fine." Bobby's expression was
slightly puzzled. Looking up he gestured for the others to leave the
room. Once the room was clear Bobby said, "Johnny, meet the littlest
X-man."
At first John was puzzled, his gazed still locked on Bobby's
face, but then he noticed the tiny bundle in Bobby's lab. "Who's
baby?"
"Ours, if you want him." Bobby went on to explain the child's
circumstances. When he was through John had tears in his eyes.
Instead of directly answering John said, "What should we name
him?"
Bobby said, "How about Matthew? It means gift from God."
John nodded as he took the little boy from Bobby's
arms, "Hello Matthew. We're your new dads." The wanting inside John
shifted. Now all he wanted was to keep his mate and their new child
safe from all the horrors of this world.

John-Wanting-Test Tube.

Learning To Bend FanFiction (OLD)

I am going to post some of my old Fanfictions, and maybe some poetry, along with new stuff. This is mostly just for me, just kind of a sounding board and archive. 

First up: My favorite of all time FF that I wrote.. I have been thinking a lot about finishing it, because this is just the first chapter. 

Title: Learning to Bend Chapter 1
Author: Redd
Matt Murdoch Clause: All characters are owned by Marvel. I am using
them without permission. I intend no infringment on any copyrights. I
am not making money off of this endeavor.
Rating: PG (Rating subject to change as more chapters are added)
Author Notes: This story has not been beta read so any mistakes are
my own. Thank you to those of you who encouraged me to write this
fic, even though its taken me forever.
Archive: Just let me know where its going.
Feedback: Is Food for the Muses.

"I have sorrows... but I have borne them ill. I have broken where I
should have bent." Charles Dickens



Jean-Paul often escaped to the cabin he shared with longtime friend
and fellow superhero Wolverine. It was tucked in the wilderness of
Canada's Northern Territories. They'd built it several years ago,
promising never to reveal its location, and using it at as a get away
from their high stress lives. Jean-Paul had been feeling closed in
at Alpha Flight's headquarters, so he headed out to the cabin. He
knew Logan was currently on assignment for the X-Men somewhere in the
Middle East, so he was looking forward to some time alone.

Although he was capable of using his powers to fly himself out there,
he instead took the seaplane that Logan used to go. He had landed the
plane and was walking into the isolated cabin when he noticed a pack
sitting right inside the door, and new supplies in the kitchen.
Immediately he thought that Logan had come back early from his
mission, but taking another look at the pack, he ruled that out.
Logan's was worn and patched. He refused to get another one. So if
it wasn't Logan, who was it?

Brooding, Jean-Paul shrugged out of his coat and boots, hanging them
by the door. In stocking feet he went to the back window of the
cabin and looked out into the wilderness. The sky was darkening, and
clouds were rolling in. The good weather he rode in on was soon to be
replaced with snow and freezing temperatures. He'd be stuck with
whoever had invaded his space.

"Looks like we're about to get the first of taste of winter." The
voice came from behind Jean-Paul and only the fact that its familiar
tones were ingrained on his brain kept him from beating the intruder
senseless. Without turning around, Jean-Paul asked, "Why are you
here, Robert? How did you get here?"

"I needed time to get my head together. Logan told me to come here. I
hiked in. It took some time, but Danger Room exercises are more
dangerous." Bobby sounded uncertain, as if he'd wished he'd never
come.

"Logan told you to come…" Jean-Paul repeated, as he shoved a hand
through his untamable raven locks.

Bobby sighed, "Look, Northstar, Logan said you were on a mission. If
I had known you'd be here, I wouldn't have come. However Logan said
if I seen you to tell you that you owned him one. Whatever that's
supposed to mean." The normally jovial Bobby looked beaten down by
life, his eyes no longer the shining, mischievous ones of youth.

A stab of pain slipped into the Canadian's heart when his American
intruder said that he only came because he himself was away. Though
the way Jean-Paul had treated Bobby over the years gave Bobby every
right to feel that way. "You're already here. We'll make do. It
wouldn't be the first time we've shared close quarters. How long have
you been here?"

Bobby was surprised that there wasn't more of a fight. Jean-Paul
usually fought with him about everything and nothing, as if Bobby's
very presence were an aberration. "About two days."

Jean-Paul, who normally didn't explain anything to anyone went on to
say, "My mission ended early. I come here to get away. Sometimes the
public scrutiny gets to be too much. If I spend my time here being
angry at you, then my trip out here is wasted." He finally turned
away from the window to gaze into the face of the other man. It still
took his breath away how handsome Bobby was. He'd grown more
attractive over time. He stood studying Bobby for several minutes
before saying, "I need to put my gear away."

Bobby nodded, saying, "I've been sleeping in your room. I'll move my
gear out."

With the wave of a hand Jean-Paul stopped him. "I'll take Logan's
room, or the couch. You stay where you're at." Still he made no
effort to move. Finally he looked at the ground, and turned back to
the window. He was picturing Bobby in his bed. The thought was too
delicious. It was going to be a long visit, being in such close
company with him.

Bobby just figured that Jean-Paul was being his typically anti-social
self, and left him to stand there. He lay on the couch to read a
book, finally drifting off, snoring lightly.

It wasn't until then that Jean-Paul had gathered the energy to move
away from the window. He covered the younger man with a blanket,
taking the book and setting it on the side table. Quietly he put his
things away, and set about making dinner.

Sometime later, Bobby watched Jean-Paul through slit eyes. However in
the hell he'd gotten stuck with the surly Canadian, he didn't know.
He had to admit though that watching him was a pleasure. His
movements were graceful, the lines of his body absolutely gorgeous.
He'd often watched the other man like this over the years. Logan must
have a twisted sense of humor to have thrown them together.

As Jean-Paul moved around the small cabin, Bobby shifted on the couch
where he was pretending to sleep. The hair on the back of the
Canadian's neck stood up. He'd known Bobby wasn't asleep for some
time, and he was tired of being watched. It aroused him too much to
know that his every movement was being monitored. Finally he
snapped, "If you took a picture, it would last longer and be worth
considerably more."

Bobby, in typical fashion, replied childishly, "Fuck you Jean-Paul."

Jean-Paul's face became livid, "If I remember, we've been that route,
not that you'd ever acknowledge it. Hell, you wouldn't even stay
until morning." The raven-haired man groaned as the angry words
spilled from his mouth. Unwittingly he'd revealed far more of himself
than he'd ever intended. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, as he
waited for the explosion he was sure was to come.

Instead, Bobby's jaw hung open. The event of which Jean-Paul spoke
took place years ago, both of them were barely even entered into man-
hood. Bobby was 20 to Jean-Paul's 22. It had happened long before
Jean-Paul announced his sexuality to the world. It was something that
Bobby had spent nearly a decade pretending didn't happen. He
sputtered like a man drowning, "Uh… I… um…"

"Forget it Bobby. I'm sorry I brought it up." Jean-Paul's voice was
tired, his eyes dull.

For years Bobby had successfully maintained the façade that he was a
heterosexual male, with no real inclination towards relationships.
The only living souls that knew his deepest secret were Jean-Paul,
whom he'd successfully avoided, and Logan, who sent him into the
mouth of the lion. He huffed out a breath, "I guess I knew that this
conversation would catch up to me someday. Although I was hoping that
you'd forgotten about the incident."

"The incident? Is that what it was to you? To me it was so much more.
You're truly an asshole, Popsicle." Jean-Paul's face was unreadable
in the dim firelight. His body language was angry and hurt.

"I wasn't ready to be out back then. Hell, neither were you. What do
you want from me?"

"What I want from you is acknowledgement that I exist. That you don't
walk out of a room if I enter it. That you admit that we made love.
You're not out of the closet even now. If anyone hints at your sexuality
you jump on the homophobic bandwagon so quickly that it should give
you right away."

"And yet the question still remains. Why do you even care? Whatever
we had was a long time ago." Bobby sat up on the couch and shrugged.
He knew he had issues, one of which being his honesty about being
gay, but he had no need for Jean-Paul to appoint himself as the
savior of Bobby Drake.

Jean-Paul threw his arms in the air, enraged and spewing forth a
torrent of French. After a moment he calmed marginally and was able
to speak in the language that Bobby understood. "You're a fool, a
stupid fool. I loved you. All these years, I've waited. Waited for
you to come out, for you to grow up. And still you are an overgrown
child who hides behind jokes and games. When does Iceman stop being
an insecure boy and become a man? I could make you happy. I could
love you forever."

Of all the responses Bobby could have gotten, Jean-Paul's was the one
he hadn't expected, nor was it one that he was capable of dissecting
and responding to on such short notice. "I can't be you Jean-Paul. I
can't live under the public eye as you do. I'm not hero enough to
stand up and fight for a little girl that I knew would die from the
moment I held her in my arms. I can't be the X-men's only gay guy. I
need the acceptance of my friends. I'm not strong enough to come out."

"You always think so little of yourself. If you had found Joanne,
you'd have loved her the same as I did. You may not have come out,
but that was my way to fight back. The silence is deadly. If you were
comfortable with yourself, the rest of the X-men wouldn't care. Does
Logan give a shit about the fact that you prefer naked men to naked
women? The answer is no, because as long as you respect his
boundaries, he'll respect yours." Jean-Paul's voice was fraught with
frustration.

"And you always think so much of yourself, Jean-Paul. My choices are
just that, mine. Besides, if you love me so much why have you taken
ever opportunity to criticize me?" Bobby's eyes were angry. He'd come
here to get away, to rethink things, not to argue with a man that
he'd never been able to push from his mind.

"Damn you, Bobby Drake. I do love you, despite everything." Jean-Paul
stormed out of the cabin, not bothering to shut the door behind him.
He was angry that he'd revealed his heart, only to have it tossed
back at his feet. Fuck Bobby. He didn't need him, except for every
single breath he took.

Bobby rubbed a tired hand over his face, as he watched snow come in
the open door. Finally he went and closed it, knowing that Jean-Paul
would return in his own time. While he waited, he contemplated all
that the other man had said. In some ways Bobby had to admit that
Jean-Paul was right. Acceptance had become far more important that
happiness. He had become far too comfortable in the role of bachelor
uncle to the children of Xavier's.

He also had to admit that he was envious of Jean-Paul's ability to be
openly gay. He had watched the other man's coming out after AIDS had
claimed Joanne, Jean-Paul's adopted daughter, when she was a scant
four months old. It was an act of maturity on the part of a man who'd
spent many years in Canada's public spotlight, first as an Olympian,
then as a mutant, then as a superhero. He rose awareness for AIDS,
for gay people. Around that time is the only point that Bobby had
come close to revealing his own sexuality. He'd desperately wanted to
be at Jean-Paul's side. To take some of the pain so evident in the
man, onto himself. In the end his fear won, and he stayed silent.

An hour after Jean-Paul stormed out, he returned to find Bobby still
sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire. He shed his boots, and
once again hung up his coat. Still, Bobby hadn't moved, so Jean-Paul
walked over and sat next to him, not breaking the silence.

Bobby broke the silence, his voice flat and defeated. "You're right.
I hold everyone back with jokes and I've been using my insecurities
as an excuse to stay in the closet. And to be honest I've hid my
feelings for you for years."

"You're right, too. I've been judgmental towards you out of hurt and
anger. You have the right to make your own choices, and I respect you
enough to let you live your life your own way even if its not with
me." Jean-Paul leaned his head back against the back of the sofa and
closed his eyes wearily.

Again silence descended broke only after Bobby had thought a long
time. His words though harsh were spoken conversationally. "You
really are an arrogant bastard, you know."

Jean-Paul turned his head towards Bobby and smiled, "It would appear
that way wouldn't it." The truth was that Jean-Paul's arrogance hid a
man who feared to be hurt, so he held everyone he knew at arms length.

"Did you think I'd fall into your arms grateful that the great
Northstar loved me?" The younger man was puzzled.

Jean Paul's smile faded, "I never intended to tell you at all. You
have the power to hurt me now."

"Why me? Why tell me now?"

Jean-Paul's voice was patient, "Robert, you're kind and
compassionate, and so completely aware of even the slightest mood
changes in those around you. Your joy and passion and loyalty make
you incredibly attractive, but I've been in love with you since that
day we walked side by side into the most horrible café in Montreal.
We sat and talked for two hours before we realized we still hadn't
ordered. I never laughed so much in my life. Then later that night
you let me kiss you and my heart was lost. Two days later we made the
most beautiful love, and I was lost to you. I woke the next morning
to find you gone, only a note on my pillow. You took my heart with
you, and you've had it ever since. So many times over the years, I
wanted to tell you, but I told myself you weren't ready. Maybe you'll
never be ready."

Bobby had never heard so much joy and sadness in a voice at one
time. "It scared me how much I cared about you, that's why I left. It
still scares me. I've spent so many years avoiding you, but at the
same time carefully saving any newspaper clipping in which you
appeared. I cried for days when you lost Joanne."

"You have no idea how much I wanted to call you then and cry on your
shoulder. To have you tell me everything was going to be okay." Jean-
Paul revealed.

Bobby lay a hand on Jean-Paul's shoulder and they both turned to
stare into the fire.