Our Debt.

We owe a debt to those who have paved our way.

Just as we pave the way for the youth that follows.

I have hope that there will come a blessed day,

When "It Gets Better" doesn't ring so hollow. 

When parents no longer turn out their lgbt child.

Just for daring to be who they were born to be.

I know the idea is amazing, a little crazy and wild.

But I have to have hope that we'll someday be free.

Free to love who we love, and marry who we choose.

Free to live openly without fear of being abused. 

Free to know that our jobs we won't lose. 

Free of the excuses that those churches like to use.

But today we are still struggling along the path.

Today our youth are still dying because of hate.

Every single one of us must use our wrath.

To give them a chance for a better fate. 

Our youth are dying in the streets and in the schools.

Don't accept that there is nothing you can do.

Put in the time, volunteer, mentor, don't be a fool.

You might save a kid's life, it really is true. 

You might give hope where there was none,

You might light someone's way. 

You may change the mind of a kid with a gun.

Who thinks no one can hear what they say.

You might not succeed, and we'll lose some along the way.

It doesn't mean we ever stop trying.

Every child, every person deserves to be loved for who they are.

No child, no person should think living is harder than dying.

© 2012 CA Murphy 

Hello Strangers!

It has been awhile since I blogged. Life got sort of busy. In April I started a local group for LGBTQ folks and their Allies. Who knew it would take over my life? I didn't. I didn't realize that it would totally consume me. I have some pretty awesome people that i have met along the way, and we have decided as a whole that we would like to take our group into the non-profit sector and really try to help our local communities understand our rights and our issues. We live in rural Missouri, and for us the nearest group or support type community is over an hour away. So, as we have embarked on this new journey, a lot of my free time has disappeared. 

Honestly I need to learn to manage my time a little bit better. I would love to say that things will even out once school starts, but honestly it will probably just get more hectic with me starting school as well as my children, plus I still have a toddler at home, AND the non-profit, AND I am looking for a job. sigh. So that is what's going on in my world. 

CarrieAnn

Poetry: What is God to me?

What is God to me?
Just a word filled with hypocrisy.
Something to Justify Hate.
An entity you have to sate.

What to me is the Bible?
Just a book filled with Libel.
A book that teaches not love,
a book having us look to help from above.

Our time is better spent here on earth,
rather than looking to others for our self-worth
We need to make good our lives here,
rather than ruling our actions with fear.

What is church to me?
A place that tells me who to be.
A place that tells me, love is a sin.
A place that never welcomes me in.

There isn't a place for me in your Chistianity.
For surely if I believed I'd lose my sanity.
I refuse to hate myself to serve your faith.
To bow down to that would be a disgrace.

I long ago abandoned your shallow teaching,
because there is beauty in souls worth reaching.
I can't stifle my light for you.
To my own heart I must be true.

If you want to see God, look to your sisters and brothers.
If you want to see good, stop looking to others.
Be the good you need to see
For only then will you be free.


©2012  CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

V & W is for Voice & Writing.

Blogging A to Z



topic: Voice and Writing


The world view is changing. That is a fact. It might be slow in coming about, but we are getting there. Eventually in history, it will not seem scandalous that famous people had same sex lover/partners/husbands/wives. It won't matter. But I want to let you know, YOUR voice is important. What you say MATTERS, so much more than I can ever tell you. You never know when that moment of compassion or hatred, might be someone's tipping point. Voice your opinions, but be aware of the larger impact.

I love the written word. Much more than I often love people. (sorry, but its true) Books have long been my preferred companions. I recently became aware and involved in the wonderful world of m/m books. This is a woefully under appreciated genre. Some of the most amazingly compassionate, and brilliant writers I've ever had the pleasure to read and interact with can be found there. When I discovered them, I realized that I was NOT the only person that had GI Joes that married each other, (or barbies that dated barbies) These were MY people. People, that while not always LGBTQ themselves, were definitely allies. Like every genre there can be a degree of infighting and rivalries, BUT for the most part I find it a warm community of writers that support each other, and those aspiring writers.  I have also been lucky enough to meet some people that I know will be life-long friends, and a few that have inspired me beyond imagining with their words. Love you guys! :)

T & U is for Trans* & Unique

Still blogging A to Z.


author note: sorry I am once again running behind. I honestly was having a really hard time writing this post and getting what I had to say right. Hopefully I do.


Topic: Trans* and Unique.

Every single person out there is unique. No one person is just alike another, not even identical twins. the world is amazingly diverse, and we are BLESSED to live in it. Our Uniqueness is what makes life interesting. Its what makes life worthwhile.

I wanted to take the time to talk about the Trans* people of the rainbow. I know several. In different stages of transition, and I know a few that will NEVER make a full transition. By choice.

Imagine, just for a moment, that you woke up in the opposite sex's body. It feels wrong, and nothing you do, no matter what will let you change back.. There might be a few things you don't mind, or are a novelty at first, but at the core of yourself you know its not right.. You are probably thinking.. Hey, I watched that movie. Now imagine being born that way.

Imagine being born in a body that seems like a betrayal every time you look in the mirror. Imagine having the strength of character to not only acknowledge it, but to choose to change it. Now imagine all of your friends, and family and even strangers on the street ridiculing you, or WORSE even people of the LGB community, and judging your life choices without truly understanding. This is what Trans* people go through all the time. And even if they can afford the expensive treatments, and surgeries, there will still be people that will say that they aren't REALLY a man, or they aren't REALLY a woman.

I truly respect and admire that kind of strength. I admire that kind of courage, to KNOW how hard your path is, and rather than hiding and denying, embracing it, and choosing to be the person that they are inside. That is special, and amazing.

I want to share a quick story about a family. A military family. A mom, a soldier, and their 5 children. The oldest son, graduated, went into the military, and a few years later, shortly before DADT was repealed, came out as gay. The family took it in stride, even though the dad, had often used homophobic slurs in the past. He loved his stepson, he adjusted.. Then their oldest daughter, came out as gay as well, and they took that in stride as well. The mom and I are close, and she often called to talk about things, and use me as a sounding board. Soon the daughter started calling me as well.

One night she called late, around 11pm, and she was crying, and she said, I want to tell my mom, that I'm trans, but I'm scared. (I already knew, partly because she friend requested me on fb under her preferred name) I told her to have a little faith, that if her mom hadn't run off screaming yet, she probably wouldn't. She said she was scared her mom would think it was just a phase (she's 19). Eventually she got off the phone with promises to talk to her mom.

I tossed and turned. I was sure my friend would accept her child, but I too was scared that I gave bad advice. The next morning, my phone rang early. It was my friend. She called to thank me. She knew her child was struggling with something, but was afraid to tell her. She said it made no difference to her. That whether her child was male or female, she still loved her child.

(it also turned out that her middle child came out as bi, around the same time.) So this homophobic dad, completely did a 180, because he loves his kids. (even though they aren't biologically his) He supports his kids 100%.. and you know what that is how EVERY family SHOULD be.

This family is amazing. They not only support their kids, but have opened their home to a few other kids that were kicked out of their homes when they came out. I love them, I'm happy that they are my adopted family.

Anyway.. I could go into a million statistics.. or whatever, but at the end of the day, the point is that people are people. Each and every one of us is beautiful and unique in our own way. If we could all just RESPECT that, the none of the rest of this stuff matters. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Questioning, Queer, Straight.. Love is Love.. and as long as we DO love why does it matter WHO we love.


Here is a video of one family's struggle.

S is for Suicide

BACK on TRACK.. FINALLY!! woohoo!! Blogging A to Z.


TOPIC: Suicide.



If you watch the News, there is no doubt you've seen media coverage of LGBTQ teen suicides.  Some newer studies are showing that a LGBTQ teen is 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then their straight counterparts. (I know it seems like I keep going over and over and over this.. but until the world changes. I feel like I have to)  There is an epidemic in this country of Bullying, of teen suicide, and the question is what are YOU, and I going to do about it? Our school system has become a cesspool of hate and bigotry, and the words coming out of these kids mouths are TAUGHT to them by people in their lives.

I've said it again and again, and I will continue to say it. We need to stop teaching our children to HATE. Stop teaching them to hate others, and stop teaching them to hate themselves.


here is a couple of resources..


The Trevor Project  (if YOU or someone you know needs a hand please please please ask for help)





The It Gets Better Project:





GLSEN : the Gay Lesbian and Straight education network

There are many many many organizations and what not out there to help you, to empower you, to get you to understand that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are perfect the way you are. You are LOVED AND WANTED.  You CAN get through whatever you are going through, and it will get better.

Please don't give a Permanent solution to a Temporary problem.


If you are in MY area, (Mid-Missouri), and in need of help. Please contact me. If I can do nothing else but listen, I'll do it.

my email: engineerqueen@rocketmail.com (that's my yahoo messenger name too. add me and just put eternal scoreboard in the request)

You can contact me via facebook as well: http://facebook.com/LGBTPulaskiCoMo

There have been to many beautiful lights snuffed out already. One more is too many.

R is for Religion

A to Z blogging challenge

Disclaimer:  these are my personal opinions formed over many years of being subjected to abuse inflicted upon me by a religious family, and by the church itself... I will attempt to be as diplomatic as possible.








I love what the gentleman points out at the end. Despite the hate, discrimination, molestation, that we face as LGBTQ people for the most part we remain a warm, loving, community that continues to try to make this world a better place.

Originally I was going to post some videos that more clearly highlighted hate that is pushed upon us by the religious right, but you know what, If you want to see that more than likely you can go to your local church today, or turn on your tv and watch the news.. Better yet, listen to the people running to be your PRESIDENT.

People are Born LESBIAN, GAY, and BISEXUAL. TRANS people were born feeling as though they are in the WRONG body. We don't recruit your children. We aren't contagious. We've always BEEN there, from the beginning of time. We are just finally speaking up for ourselves and demanding that our voices be heard.

GOD, G*D, ALLAH.. Will YOUR deity judge ME more for LOVING, or YOU more for HATING. I was BORN the way that I am. You are taught to hate, to fill your children with hate. and if they are like ME you teach them to HATE themselves. There is an epidemic of DEATH in this country of LGBTQ kids taking their own lives. This keeps me up at night, and makes me cry in sorrow. I want to take every child and hug. Tell them they PERFECT just the way they are. That it will get better.

Religion... I grew up in a Catholic family. I left the Church a LONG time ago. Sometimes I miss the routine and community of religion, however I will NOT raise my children to HATE anyone else.. I always thought that God was supposed to be about LOVE, Maybe GOD is but RELIGION is not.  Its rhetoric and dogma based on a book written THOUSANDS of years ago. The world has evolved since then and there is a better understanding of things.

IN my OPINION the bible is a BOOK written BY MEN, for MEN. It was also TRANSLATED AND RETRANSLATED BY MEN in times where the people in power changed things to suit themselves. So to me the bible is a book, and it can't rule MY life, and I will not live my life to HATE myself, or anyone else.

There is a long video I'm going to post at the end, by Single Dad Laughing (Dan Pearce) called: I'm Christian, unless you are Gay.. This is a video made by a White, Straight Man. Please watch it if you have time. :) I am also posting SDL's It gets better video.

O, P, Q, is for Opportunity, Pride, and Quirks

A to Z blogging challenge

O, P, Q is for Opportunity Pride and Quirks.



As LGBTQ people, we aren't asking for things to be handed to us on a silver platter. We aren't seeking to get jobs just because of our orientation, but we are asking for the OPPORTUNITY to work in any job we qualify for without having to worry about being fired on the basis of whom we might choose to fall in love with. Equal Opportunity and Equal Protection under the law. that's it. Nothing that infringes on the heterosexual populations rights.

Pride's for the year are gearing up. I've honestly never been, but have plans to attend a few events over the summer with friends. More or less planning on being Den mommy to a pack of crazy wild boys, and their more sedate other halves. We shall see how it goes, and I'm sure I'll be writing a CRAZY blog post to go along with my travels. :)   But lets talk about Pride (not the events but the feeling)

pride  (prd)n.1. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
2. Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: parental pride.3. Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness.
4.a. A cause or source of pleasure or satisfaction; the best of a group or class: These soldiers were their country's pride.b. The most successful or thriving condition; prime: the pride of youth.

Pride, something that maybe our LGBTQ doesn't have enough of. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value. We need to teach our children to be proud of their differences to take pride in who they are instead of teaching them the hateful rhetoric that comes from an arrogant, disdainful society.


Our QUIRKS, and little differences, are what make the world such a wonderful and beautiful place. Don't be afraid to embrace those things... because no matter who you are or where you are in life.. there is something about you that makes you beautiful. ;)

N is for Never

A to Z blogging challenge.




Topic: NEVER


Its a word we say a lot.. Never.  and very often we end up doing what we said we'd "NEVER" do.  I said I'd NEVER get married (I did it.. twice), I said I'd NEVER have kids (I have 3).  but there are a few NEVERs that I plan on sticking too.

I will NEVER turn my back on my children.
I will NEVER lie to myself to make myself feel better.
I will NEVER allow myself the luxury of forgetting what it is to deny basic truths about myself.
I will NEVER stop fighting.
I will NEVER stop surviving.
I will NEVER give in to the fear of admitting I was wrong.
I will ALWAYS lend my voice to those who have need of it.
I will ALWAYS stand up for what I think is right.
I will ALWAYS try to keep my heart and my mind open especially when I don't understand something.

What Will you NEVER do?

What will you ALWAYS do?

M is for Media

I had a lot of deeply personal things going on this week.. Sick kids just compounded it.

A to Z blogging Challenge.


Topic: M is for Media.


Media is a tool, that can be used both for and against any topic. It all depends on the spin.. soo I thought that I would show some of my favorite gay rights media, you can watch it or not.. up to you completely! :)

this is one of the most powerful videos I've watched, and currently ranks as my favorite.

whether you like it or not, Homosexuality has been around since People have. Its well documented to occur in the animal kingdom. Media is  powerful tool. it can help people, and it can hurt people.  The amount of hate speech (especially by politicians and religious leaders) can really hurt.. there are so many teenage suicides, because we teach our children to hate.. To hate each other, and worse to hate themselves. We need to stop. We need to be more careful what kind of messages we are sending our children. 

Poetry: Done

DONE

I don't like to use the word hate, 

but sometimes I hate you so much my throat clogs

with words I want to say but shouldn't

words that if they had power would destroy you. 

You act like you think I live to serve you

That you can walk all over me like dirt 

That I am no better than that after everything

I am not dirt, I am not yours to walk on anymore.

My feelings of guilt over things I couldn't change

Let you walk on me, let you use me in the past.

I never betrayed your trust like you did mine.

My guilty feelings were over things inside myself.

The shame I had is societies shame, no longer mine.

I couldn't make myself feel the way I thought I should.

That doesn't make me less, that makes me human.

That makes me someone who won't take abuse anymore.

But I am done with self-recrimination.

I am done with your lies and subterfuge.

I am finished with the half-life I was living.

I am moving on, better, stronger, and happier than before. 

CarrieAnn Murphy

©2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: One Last Time

One Last Time

Fingertips brush down my spine

Lips nibbling near my ear

The slight tug on my hair

As you pull my head back to accept your kiss.

Tonight We hold each other as if its not ending

Loving the way our bodies sing for one another

This was not where we went wrong

It was everything outside this room, this bed.

My love for you hasn't died

Your love for me never truly lived.

I tell myself I'm okay with that

I am only lying to myself

Your body spooned against mine

So close, I can't tell where you end and I begin

Lovers just for tonight, One last time

Tomorrow will come too soon, ending the spell

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

© 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Lies

Lies

A lie starts so small and innocent,

but has the power to shape nations

to crumble otherwise stable foundations

to end that which you spent a lifetime building.

Your little lies cascaded into a waterfall

the deluge eroding the love we shared

My heart hardened by the flood of pain

Not able to believe in what you say.

You want me to forgive you and move on.

Forgiveness, when you aren't even sorry?

I will be moving on, without you.

Wary the next time pretty words spill from pretty lips.

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

© 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Whispers in the Dark

Whispers in the Dark

Pretty curves half hidden in shadow.

Perspiration drying on your heaving chest

Eyes heavy lidded, and satisfied

Lips parted, still panting from exertion

You are so beautiful, perfect.

Limp limps lying on our bed.

Relaxed, and ready for sleep.

Still you reach for me.

Your hoarse voice whispers love words

My own voice returns them

I look at you, and know I'm lucky

You look at me, and know I'm yours.

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

©2012 All Rights Reserved

L is for Love

A to Z blogging challenge: L


Topic: L is for Love


I want to take a moment to talk about LOVE.. I am not talking about love between a parent and child, or even love between a couple.. I am talking about SELF-LOVE, self-respect.  I am absolutely horrified that in our super connected, media saturated world, we are teaching our children (not just LGBTQ kids) to HATE themselves. We teach them that they need to conform to societies view of them physically, mentally spiritually in order to be "accepted". You need to be a certain size, wear a certain style, have a certain about of money, worship at a certain place, be as smart as a certain person.

Kids are bullied every day, often over things they have no control over. Instead of teaching our children to embrace their differences, to love themselves, to be confident in themselves we are teaching them that they need to CONFORM. We teach our children self-hatred. That's not okay.

You need to teach them to LOVE themselves because that is the MOST important relationship they will EVER EVER have.

Kids that BULLY other kids do so because THEY feel like less, not because their victims are really less. People that bully other people do so because THEY don't like themselves, because in order to feel GOOD about themselves they must TREAT other people like they are LESS. They do it to make themselves feel SUPERIOR to someone else. People that bully others, don't love themselves.

So what can we do about it? We need to SPEAK up, SPEAK out, and teach our CHILDREN to LOVE themselves. Maybe the next time you see someone bullying someone else, you take the time not only to find out if the VICTIM is okay, but take the time to find out what might be going on with the BULLY. Kids project what they are taught.. maybe we should pay closer attention in our ADULT lives, about how we might be teaching our children to act.

K is for Kindness

Trying to play catch up with the A to Z challenge, since I pinched a nerve in my shoulder and really wasn't typing too well for a couple of days.


Topic: Kindness


I have been luckier than most. When I came out 99% of my friends, even ones that were "religious", were supportive of me. They simply do not care. They only care that I am happy, and they can see how much being honest and open has made me happier. So today is dedicated to those that despite what their church or their friends or whatever told them, showed me kindness and understanding.

These are the same type of people that everyday make the world a more bearable and wonderful place to live. The fact is that LGBTQ people are NOT going away. We've been around forever, and we are determined to have an equal place in society. So maybe the next time you encounter someone who is different then you, you could exercise a little bit of kindness.

J is for Jabber

Continuing on with the A to Z Blogging Challenge.




topic: Jabber..


You got it.. I didn't research anything for today.. in fact the day is pretty much over.. I am exhausted.. the result of getting ready for a housing inspection... yay. Not really. Actually it wouldn't be a big deal at all if we hadn't been out of town, and then got hit with sickness upon our return.

J- really should be for jacuzzi, because my aching body, could sure use one right about now. Anyway, that is pretty much my short little blurb.

H & I is for Hate and Ignorance

So I totally missed blogging yesterday because I had family stuff going on that took precedence over the internet.. *GASP* I know, it happens. haha.

So this comprises my H and I posts for the A to Z blogging challenge.





Topic: Hate and Ignorance (they go nicely together yeah?)


If you are alive and semi-aware in today's world. You've seen the news. You've seen the putrid, malevolent hate and violence that some people spew. Towards LGBTQ people, towards Muslims, towards whomever.. It seems as though there is a whole culture of people that cannot abide by diversity.  You have seen the high profile cases like, Matthew Sheppard or Jamey Rodemeyer. One was an outright murder, where the other was the result of bullying to the point of suicide.

Hate. I will never understand it. I don't WANT to understand it. But I do want to wage war against it. and we CANNOT do that as a community if we resort to the same underhanded tactics as those who hate us. We have to be the better, more moral side. Its easy to let hate into your heart, and it is very difficult to let it go. As soon as we resort to the bitter name-calling tactics that they use, we are NO better than them.  We have to be better than that.

Ignorance. Sadly, many of the people that are so hate-filled have no idea what a real Gay person is like. They believe these CRAZY things about LGBT people. Guess what? We are JUST like everyone else. Its simple. We are not uber promiscuous people (no more so really than our straight counterparts) Granting us rights will not negate or lessen your rights. So actually KNOW what the hell you are talking about before you start quoting bible verses at us. Because honestly, In MY OPINION, Jesus and God would be ashamed of the assinine behaviour of so-called Christians.

On that note, I'm gonna post a video and recommend that you check out Single Dad Laughing which is the website run by the creator of the video. The video is long.. but worth it. He did a whole series on this subject. Listen with an open mind. :)

G is for Gorgeous (Photos)

Day 7: A to Z blogging challenge








Topic: Gorgeous

Love is beautiful. People are beautiful. Therefore, People IN love are beautiful. Doesn't matter if they are

straight:

Lesbian:

Gay:

this is one of my favorite couples, Adult Industry professionals and real couple, Austin Wilde and Anthony Romero

bi, tans ( I didn't post photos because really they would look like ANY other gay or straight couple)

Whatever you identify as, if you are in love with another person, its a beautiful thing. Love is gorgeous and wonderful, and we should be grateful to find it. Too much time is spent hung up on what might be going on in someone else's bedroom. Who cares?

anyway, nothing deep today. Just some pretty pictures. a simple message, and I am done for today. Taking tomorrow off.  Happy Holidays to those that celebrate. I'll be back on Monday with a post about Hate.

F is for Family

Day 6: Blogging A to Z Challenge









Topic: Family.

Kids vs no Kids. Should LGBTQ people have children? Are they "qualified" to raise children? Are LGBTQ people able to give children everything that a heterosexual couple would?

The answers go as follows: 1) that is a very PERSONAL choice based on the couple. If you are part of a gay couple and you CHOOSE to have children, whether adopted, or via surrogate then you are PLANNING and CHOOSING to bring a child into your family. That sounds a whole lot more thought out then accidental conception. 2)Is ANYONE qualified to raise children? Last I checked there wasn't a test to take. LGBTQ parents, like ANY other parents would be learning as they go. As long as they are doing it with love in their hearts why WOULDN'T they be qualified. 3)There may be certain things that a LGBTQ family may have to work harder at as far as being able to give their children certain perspectives but there are PLENTY of single parent homes out there, broken homes. ect.. If a person, no matter what their orientation is, is able to provide a stable loving home for a child then THAT is what matters.

I am a Lesbian. I am a mother. I have 3 beautiful children from a marriage.. to a man. Luckily he is super awesome about things. We have rules and guidelines for what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable. Never at any point will he or his family tell our children that being gay is wrong. Someday maybe I'll find someone to share our lives. Right now its not a priority. I have a Kindergartener who was told IN SCHOOL that all gay people are going to hell. My 6 year old came home and asked me what that meant.

I realize that my children will have to deal early and often with the hatred and misconceptions of others. I hope that it will help them grow into compassionate adults who are always willing to fight for what the believe in. I HOPE my children are straight.. because I would love for their life to be easy.. but if they are gay or bi, or whatever.. Its a BLESSING because that's how they were born... and I hope that by the time they are old enough to start thinking of marriage and family, they won't have to struggle  like we do today. I hope that the world is wide open for them to love whomever they want.


All to often in for people in the LGBTQ community, they find that coming out means that they no longer have a biological family. Some people unfortunately will NEVER accept them. So we band together, we create our own families and we carry on..

Just remember that "FAMILY" doesn't have much to do with blood or genetics.. its the PEOPLE that are there for you when you need them, will love you and support you no matter what, and who will care for you as you do them. That's family, and if THAT family happens to be tied to you by genetics WOOHOO.. if not, that is okay too.

E is for Equality

Day 5 of the A to Z blogging challenge:










TOPIC: EQUALITY

equality
noun
1. fairness, equal opportunity, equal treatment, egalitarianism, fair treatment, justness the principle of racial equality
fairness discrimination, prejudice, bias, inequality, unfairness, imparity
2. sameness, balance, identity, similarity, correspondence, parity, likeness, uniformity, equivalence, evenness, coequality, equatability They advocate the unconditional equality of incomes.
sameness disparity, unevenness, lack of balance
Quotations
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" [Thomas Jefferson The Declaration of Independence]
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character" [Martin Luther King Jr. speech at Civil Rights March]
"The defect of equality is that we only desire it with our superiors" [Henry Becque Querelles littéraires]



A lot of people believe that we, as LGBT persons are just wanting things that we have no "right" to want. Most LGBT people just want to be seen as equal in the eyes of the LAW.  We want to the right to go to school and not have to worry about being harrassed, bullied, sometimes killed, or bullied to the point that we want to kill ourselves. We want to be able to get a job and our employer not have the right to fire us just because of whom we MIGHT fall in love with.  We want to be protected under the law. We want to be able to get married, adopt children, live a life just like our heterosexual counterparts. We aren't different. We are just people, the same as everyone else.

"In 76 countries it is illegal to be gay or transgender- in 10 you can be sentenced to DEATH or life in prison. In many others, the ability to work, raise a family and love who you choose free from the threat of violence is not yet a reality." (from allout.org the makers of the above video)

Yes, someday if I meet the right person, I'd love to entertain the thought of marriage.. but not until its legal in my home state. We have to keep fighting, keep making our voices heard.

Civil rights should NOT be up for vote. They should just BE our rights. No one should get to CHOOSE who is worthy of being equal and who is not. We deserve the same rights that everyone else has.

D is for Diversity (super short post)

Day 4 of the A to Z blogging challenge:







topic: Diversity.



Ok, so the symbol of us non-hetero people is the rainbow.. Why? because sexuality is about as diverse as people's food preferences. Seriously. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans*, Questioning, GenderQueer, pansexual, polysexual, asexual.. whatever you identify as, or even if you don't its ok.

This world is a wondrous and DIVERSE place. No matter what color of the rainbow you are, or even if you are in between, you are a human being deserving of dignity and respect with the right to love whomever you wish. That's it. No one has the right to tell you WHO you can love (as long as its another human being and you are both consenting adults.. just saying)

Think of how BORING and BLAND the world would be if we were all the same. Diversity is beautiful, Embrace it. :)

C is for Coming Out

A to Z blogging challenge  day 3:

Today's subject is Coming Out.


If you are living within the spectrum of the rainbow, then more than likely at some point you will "Come Out".  This is a very personal process that is easy for some and unbelievable terrifying and painful for others. I am probably not really qualified to speak or even really to write on this subject, as I am only "out" to some of family although ALL of my friends are aware.

For me it was more of a painful terrifying process. When I was very young I felt that the strictness of our Church wouldn't allow for me to be anything other than a "normal".. I was deeply in the closet throughout my first failed marriage... and after a majorly failed relationship, I stayed in the closet throughout my 2nd marriage.. although I did tell my husband that I was bi.

At 31, I came out to my friends as a lesbian. My straight friends, even my more religious ones were extremely supportive. The family that I did tell was supportive for the most part, although they seemed to share the opinion of some of my gay friends. That this was a "phase", and that I am not REALLY gay.

Of course they don't understand the inner struggle that I endured. They don't know why I made the decisions that I did make.

Did I CHOOSE to be gay? No, I CHOSE to stop pretending to be straight. I lived a miserable existence as a "straight" woman. I was NEVER straight.. I pretended to be in order to fit in with society's conventions.. and I hated myself everyday because I KNEW I was pretending.. 16 years from when I "figured" out that I was different, is a long time to pretend. Its a long time to choose to be someone other than myself. And that is a lot of self hatred. In my opinion no one CHOOSES who they are attracted to. It just is. You love who you love.

Its not about sex. Its about seeking out that soul that will complete me. Its about trying to find that PERSON that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So.. Coming out is a PROCESS, its about trying to reach that place where we can be who we are without hiding and lying and feeling ashamed. Its about trying to find our place within our families, and our communities without the blanket of fear covering us. This process is different for everyone, and even for those that its easier for, its still difficult to live in a world where we lack the civil rights to be able to fight back against discrimination.

So yeah that is what I have to say about Coming out.

B is for Bisexuality

Day 2 of the A to Z Challenge  

Today's subject is Bisexuality.

Bisexuals may be attracted to members of both sexes, or may define themselves as "bisexual" 


-- but they may or may not indulge in active bisexual behaviors.


Its a peeve of mine that there is so much hate in the gay community for bisexuals. Yes, they DO exist. No, this is not an M&M commercial.  People seem to think so many misconceptions about being bisexual. Whether a bisexual person settles down with a man or a woman it doesn't make them any less bisexual. It just means that they found the PERSON they want to be with. Gender in that case doesn't MATTER. 


Why is it that we have to stick a LABEL on everything? I know people in the LG community that absolutely WOULD NOT date a Bi person. They fear that eventually it is inevitable for this person to leave them for a heterosexual partner. They FEAR.  I've found that all too often FEAR and HATE are gripping each other's hands. Its time to let it go. The thing is that with a Bi person, is it possible they will leave for a heterosexual relationship.. yes, but its JUST as possible that they will leave for a homosexual one. 


Is society more lenient of Bisexual people versus Homosexual people? I think it all depends upon perspective.. There is a stigma attached to it on both sides of the homo/hetero fence.  The thing is that the RAINBOW symbol is supposed to symbolize how many diversities there are in this world. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans*, Questioning... we are all looking for the SAME thing. Love and acceptance. 


Maybe this is particularly an issue for me, who for many years identified at Bisexual. I am more attracted to women then men, despite having had  longer lasting relationships with men. But by and large I was trying to fit myself into a role that I thought society would APPROVE of.  At this time its easier to say that I'm a lesbian, even though I probably Identify NOW more as a pansexual. I am open to finding love where ever it presents itself. The outer trappings are very secondary to the inner workings of the person. 


Anyway.. the video below is just over a minute in Length.. Check it out! 

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A is for Apathy

I joined over 1700 other bloggers to do the AtoZ challenge this month. So I'll be posting every day except for Sundays. I wanted to do this challenge to connect with other bloggers, and because I thought that I might just have something to say. I tend to do better under a challenge, then just blogging on my own. Obviously we are going through the alphabet, and I intend on hitting upon issues that are important to me, most of which will probably involve the LGBTQQ community.

Today's topic is Apathy.

Defined Apathy is Noun:

Lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

Synonyms:

indifference - unconcern - torpor - listlessness

Apathy, is the greatest threat to the world at large, and to the LGBTQQ community. If people are indifferent, or don't care about the issues surrounding us, then there is little motivation to see things changed. All too often I hear, "what does it matter to me?", "nothing I do or say will make a difference anyway", "Why should I vote? My vote doesn't count." 

Make it count. If you change 1 person's mind, educate 1 person's heart, You've made a difference. If we want things to change in this world, especially in terms of how the LGBTQQ community is received not just in THIS country but in the world at large then it is up to EACH one of us to take a stand and make a difference. Sure it is easier to sit back and let the outspoken few speak on your behalf, but think of how much stronger they'd be if you raised your voice as well. 

Sometimes doing "our part" is as simple as saying, That's not OK, when you hear hate speech or speech that is negative. Its standing up for yourself and your community. Its easy to tell people that "It gets better." But it gets better when you MAKE it better. Life doesn't hand you much, you have to reach out and grab it. Everyone one of us has the power to change things. Everyone of us has a voice that can be used for good. 

Next time you are thinking that you can't or don't make a difference, I would almost bet that somewhere there is someone that you DID make a difference to. Sometimes we don't see the power of our words and our actions. Sometimes its that 99th out of 100 time, that we are able to see the difference we made. But that doesn't mean that the other 99 times weren't just as profound.

Don't let yourself become apathetic. Don't let yourself slip into indifference. Take a stand, Make a change. 

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Splitting Hairs and My Pledge

So have you all missed the DRAMA that once again come to the m/m writing community? I caught the tail end of it today. Re-read the posts, and have been thinking about it much of the day. I do not identify currently as Trans*, although at one point (and still at some points) I have been questioning.  I have questioned my own identity enough and know personally quite a few people in various stages of transition. I am a huge supporter of the trans* community. I have an infinite amount of respect for those people that are willing to be themselves as truly and as deeply as the trans* folks that I know. I have seen the desperation of someone living in a body that they feel is a betrayal every time they look in a mirror. I have seen the pain that comes with the lack of acceptance by society as a whole. And it IS painful when people can't accept you for who you are. Its even more so when the attacks seem to come from within your own community. 

As members of the LGBTQ community (and our allies) its our responsibility to be MORE accepting than those on the outside. Instead, I see how we compartmentalize ourselves and how we identify ourselves into these tiny little boxes, where we say what IS or ISN'T acceptable. We are especially harsh on trans* people. A trans-man is a MAN, his female parts are merely an accident of birth. The same goes for trans-women. If ANYONE can understand, shouldn't it be US? How can we fight for equality so diligently when we ourselves are guilty of treating members of our own community poorly? 

I'm not going to go into specifics about the above mentioned drama. I will say this. If you choose to utilize certain symbols, please make sure that you know what they mean. Please make sure that you are ready to do them justice. Apathy is our enemy. Refusing to to call notice to injustice is just as bad as being the person to commit the injustice. 

Right now its chic to read m/m romance. And when its not chic anymore, then those of us that belong to the LGBTQ community will still be here. The underground popularity of this genre can be used to do so much good. "Outing" or "Exposing" authors is assinine. Period. If you like the work, you should like it no matter what the author looks like or identifies as. PERIOD. Refusing to accept Trans* characters or bi characters is stupid. If its not your cup of tea to read it, there is no shame in that, but be HONEST about it. Save all the "real" and "pure" bullshit.

Right here, and right now, I am making a pledge. I PROMISE, that I, as a reader, reviewer, and aspiring author will stand up for ALL members of the LGBTQ rainbow within the writing community. I PROMISE that THIS blog is a safe space, and that my Review Blog: Http://smoochersvoice.blogspot.com is Also a safe place.  If YOU are a blogger who Embraces the rainbow, and will accept the challenge to provide a safe place then head over to http://embracetherainbow.com, and snag their beautiful symbol seen both here and at the side of my blog.  

Road Trip and Tattoos

Well, I'm sure a lot of the people that read this blog know, I recently took a family trip to Pennsylvania from Missouri. My father and I took the 5 grandchildren (my 3 and my sister's 2) to PA for my Grand da's 80th birthday celebration. It was a surprise, so we snuck into town, with only my Aunt and Uncle knowing we were coming. It was a 2 day drive (a total of 20 driving hours) with 5 kids, all aged 9 and under. WHEW! Actually the kids were pretty good, all things considered.

I was very apprehensive about this trip. I didn't want to answer any questions about my marriage (or impending divorce) There are a million reasons for it, and while the lying, cheating, and PTSD are MAJOR factors in it, so is the fact that I was never happy because he was a man. Of course, my family is very conservative. Especially in regards to homosexuality. I don't know that I will ever be "OUT" to them. I will say that I don't think I'm the only one, and that it saddens me to think that, that person might never be able to be themselves. At any rate, the questions were kept at a minimum, and seeing my GrandDa celebrate his 80th birthday was pretty awesome. Seeing the look on his face as he rounded the corner and seen my Da was PRICELESS. My Grand Da was definitely overjoyed to have all 4 of his children together, especially for a happy occasion. The last time they were all together was for my Gram's funeral in 2004.

We returned yesterday, and my feelings are bittersweet. So happy to have seen my cousins and connect to them all as adults. So happy to see my Aunts and Uncles, my Grand Da and his wife. So incredibly sad that the time was so short, and that I have no real plans to return there soon. I'm also sad that I felt like I was keeping myself back from them, skirting issues and politics because we don't see eye to eye.

On a happier note... I am going this week to make an appointment about a tattoo.  My friend, Vida, who is amazing and awesome and absolutely a beautiful person inside and out, drew out my tattoo. The one I've been wanting for about 2 years now. She took my idea of wanting a Motherhood knot with the Tree of Life, and she made it so much better, adding things that I didn't know it needed. I am so looking forward to putting her work on my body. It couldn't possibly be more perfect.

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 5

Jaxx's life had become a whirlwind of flights between his home in Texas, and his heart in Maryland. He was torn that he couldn't be with Javier full time as he was recovering at Walter Reed, but he still needed to maintain his job and mortgage. They had been pushing the doctor's to release Javi to the Center for the Intrepid. That it was located in San Antonio, the city he lived and worked in was definitely a bonus.

He was bone tired, and having Javi closer would make things a little bit easier. He loved Javier more than his own life, and he would gladly take his pain as his own if he could. Not that Javi would want that. He sighed. These flights gave him too much time to think, and wonder, and worry. Javier scrubbed his hand over his face, and realized, he probably hadn't shaved in a couple days. He shook his head and laughed at himself. He was barely holding everything together.

As he headed down the stark hospital corridor towards the cramped room that housed Javier and the young marine who roomed with him, he heard the familiar lilt of Javier's accented voice, and of others laughing at whatever he'd said. Walking through the doorway, Javier was obviously telling some grand story, with his arms gesturing wildly and his face animated. Jaxx's breath caught in his throat. Javier looked almost back to normal. A little thinner, a short jagged scar marring his forehead near the hairline, but to see him in such high spirits was amazing. At that moment, Javier looked up and caught Jaxx staring at him. He stopped telling his story, and a huge grin washed over his face. "Amor mio, come. I want to introduce you. Jaxx, this is Lance Corporal Danny Jones' parents, Vera, and Sam. Vera and Sam, this is my other half, Ajaxx Papalakis."

Vera and Sam looked like the stereotypical well dressed middle-class couple. Vera was petite and absoultely dwarfed by her much taller husband. . Jaxx was a little surprised to be swept up in Vera's bone-crushing hug, "Well, now, if you aren't just about the prettiest man I ever did see. Why if you had just a little bit more facial hair, you'd look just like Jesus." Jaxx looked up at Javier in amusement, while Javier snorted with barely contained laughter. Sam, broke in, gently prying his wife away from Jaxx. "Now, honey, you don't want to scare the boy." He thrust out his hand and Jaxx, "I'd apologize, but she's right, you do look a lot like um... " He trailed off with pink cheeks.

Jaxx laughed, "Its nice to meet both of you." He made his way over to Javier's bedside and twined his fingers with that of his lover as he dropped a chaste kiss on the other man's lips. He turned back to the older couple, to find Vera with her hand on her heart like she'd just witnessed the most romantic thing. "Oh how precious. Its so nice to see that you boys don't have to hide anymore." Jaxx was a little surprised at the instant acceptance, but was happy that it wouldn't be an issue for them. Both Javier and himself had hid for long enough. "Didn't I tell you, he was handsome, Mrs. Jones?" chimed Javier. Jaxx caught Sam's eye, and they both rolled their eyes.

Sam grabbed Vera's arm, and led her towards the door. "We are headed for lunch while Danny's in physical therapy. You two enjoy your time together." Jaxx watched as some unspoken "thing" passed between the couple and Javier. As soon as the couple cleared the room, the door clicking behind him, Jaxx turned to his lover. "You look good, baby. Did they finally get the infection under control." Jaxx, out of habit began to start assessing Javier, much as he would a patient. Javier's sudden grip on his arm stopped him. "Jaxx. Sit. We must talk. I am not your patient. "  Jaxx backed off, and dropped into the chair next to Javier's bed and waited expectantly.

Javier took a deep breath, and said, "I have something to tell you. They couldn't get the infection under control, and I was so frustrated with being in this damn bed. Early this week they took the leg."

Jaxx felt like his breath had been yanked from his body. Why didn't the doctor tell him, why didn't Javier tell him before now? It took him a minute to register that Javier was still talking, "... My choice to have it cut off. I understand if you don't want to be with someone who will never be..."

Jaxx had heard enough, and he erupted, green eyes flashing, "You would UNDERSTAND!  You would understand if I walked out the damn door because of what? Part of a damn leg? I didn't love the leg, I love you, you idiot! What did you mean it was your choice? "

Javier pulled the other man down for a kiss, carding his hand through his hair and fist in it his hands as he plundered his lovers mouth. They were both breathing harshly when they parted. Javi released Jaxx's hair, and shifted to once again twine their fingers together. "The infection wasn't bad enough that the leg would never heal, but it would never heal right, and I would have pain for the rest of my life. I opted to have it amputated. Its a trans-tib.... below the knee amputation. I'll be able to start being fitted for prosthetics soon. I'll even be able to return to duty if that's what I want."

Jaxx couldn't help but be happy for his lover, even if his heart hurt at the idea of Javier staying in the Army. He knew that Javier was close to having his 20 years in, and having served 10 years himself, he understood wanting to finish his time out, but part of his was pissed off. Hadn't they put their love and their lives on hold for the Army long enough. Hadn't they paid and sacrified enough? Instead of voicing any of that he just pasted on a smile and squeezed Javier's hand.

Grinning, Javier flipped up the left side of his blanket, exposing the gauze covering the stump where his leg had been. Jaxx's eyes filled with tears, and he kissed Javier's hand. "It looks good, not infected. Swollen, but that's expected." Jaxx often reverted to what Javier referred to as "medic mode" whenever the stress of the situation got too much. Javier understood. It was a lot for a family member to take on, and unlike Danny Jones' parents, Jaxx only had himself for support. "Its going to be ok, cariño. We'll make it through this together. Good news is that I should be able to move down to Texas soon."

Real Life and Reviews

Okay so life got a wee bit busy, what with 3 small children, school, ect. I am so super excited though that I'm registered to go to the GRL retreat in October, where I will be Fan-Girling all OVER the place. I am very much looking forward to meeting all my online friends.  I love summer vacation, but I find myself really looking past that to next school year and next Oct. Hurry up time, you are going too slowly.


On another front, I've launched another blog, that will feature LGBTQ book reviews. You can find it at http://smoochersvoice.blogspot.com . My first review is up, and I"m super excited about it. Go check it out!