I am going to post some of my old Fanfictions, and maybe some poetry, along with new stuff. This is mostly just for me, just kind of a sounding board and archive.
First up: My favorite of all time FF that I wrote.. I have been thinking a lot about finishing it, because this is just the first chapter.
Title: Learning to Bend Chapter 1
Author: Redd
Matt Murdoch Clause: All characters are owned by Marvel. I am using
them without permission. I intend no infringment on any copyrights. I
am not making money off of this endeavor.
Rating: PG (Rating subject to change as more chapters are added)
Author Notes: This story has not been beta read so any mistakes are
my own. Thank you to those of you who encouraged me to write this
fic, even though its taken me forever.
Archive: Just let me know where its going.
Feedback: Is Food for the Muses.
"I have sorrows... but I have borne them ill. I have broken where I
should have bent." Charles Dickens
Jean-Paul often escaped to the cabin he shared with longtime friend
and fellow superhero Wolverine. It was tucked in the wilderness of
Canada's Northern Territories. They'd built it several years ago,
promising never to reveal its location, and using it at as a get away
from their high stress lives. Jean-Paul had been feeling closed in
at Alpha Flight's headquarters, so he headed out to the cabin. He
knew Logan was currently on assignment for the X-Men somewhere in the
Middle East, so he was looking forward to some time alone.
Although he was capable of using his powers to fly himself out there,
he instead took the seaplane that Logan used to go. He had landed the
plane and was walking into the isolated cabin when he noticed a pack
sitting right inside the door, and new supplies in the kitchen.
Immediately he thought that Logan had come back early from his
mission, but taking another look at the pack, he ruled that out.
Logan's was worn and patched. He refused to get another one. So if
it wasn't Logan, who was it?
Brooding, Jean-Paul shrugged out of his coat and boots, hanging them
by the door. In stocking feet he went to the back window of the
cabin and looked out into the wilderness. The sky was darkening, and
clouds were rolling in. The good weather he rode in on was soon to be
replaced with snow and freezing temperatures. He'd be stuck with
whoever had invaded his space.
"Looks like we're about to get the first of taste of winter." The
voice came from behind Jean-Paul and only the fact that its familiar
tones were ingrained on his brain kept him from beating the intruder
senseless. Without turning around, Jean-Paul asked, "Why are you
here, Robert? How did you get here?"
"I needed time to get my head together. Logan told me to come here. I
hiked in. It took some time, but Danger Room exercises are more
dangerous." Bobby sounded uncertain, as if he'd wished he'd never
come.
"Logan told you to come…" Jean-Paul repeated, as he shoved a hand
through his untamable raven locks.
Bobby sighed, "Look, Northstar, Logan said you were on a mission. If
I had known you'd be here, I wouldn't have come. However Logan said
if I seen you to tell you that you owned him one. Whatever that's
supposed to mean." The normally jovial Bobby looked beaten down by
life, his eyes no longer the shining, mischievous ones of youth.
A stab of pain slipped into the Canadian's heart when his American
intruder said that he only came because he himself was away. Though
the way Jean-Paul had treated Bobby over the years gave Bobby every
right to feel that way. "You're already here. We'll make do. It
wouldn't be the first time we've shared close quarters. How long have
you been here?"
Bobby was surprised that there wasn't more of a fight. Jean-Paul
usually fought with him about everything and nothing, as if Bobby's
very presence were an aberration. "About two days."
Jean-Paul, who normally didn't explain anything to anyone went on to
say, "My mission ended early. I come here to get away. Sometimes the
public scrutiny gets to be too much. If I spend my time here being
angry at you, then my trip out here is wasted." He finally turned
away from the window to gaze into the face of the other man. It still
took his breath away how handsome Bobby was. He'd grown more
attractive over time. He stood studying Bobby for several minutes
before saying, "I need to put my gear away."
Bobby nodded, saying, "I've been sleeping in your room. I'll move my
gear out."
With the wave of a hand Jean-Paul stopped him. "I'll take Logan's
room, or the couch. You stay where you're at." Still he made no
effort to move. Finally he looked at the ground, and turned back to
the window. He was picturing Bobby in his bed. The thought was too
delicious. It was going to be a long visit, being in such close
company with him.
Bobby just figured that Jean-Paul was being his typically anti-social
self, and left him to stand there. He lay on the couch to read a
book, finally drifting off, snoring lightly.
It wasn't until then that Jean-Paul had gathered the energy to move
away from the window. He covered the younger man with a blanket,
taking the book and setting it on the side table. Quietly he put his
things away, and set about making dinner.
Sometime later, Bobby watched Jean-Paul through slit eyes. However in
the hell he'd gotten stuck with the surly Canadian, he didn't know.
He had to admit though that watching him was a pleasure. His
movements were graceful, the lines of his body absolutely gorgeous.
He'd often watched the other man like this over the years. Logan must
have a twisted sense of humor to have thrown them together.
As Jean-Paul moved around the small cabin, Bobby shifted on the couch
where he was pretending to sleep. The hair on the back of the
Canadian's neck stood up. He'd known Bobby wasn't asleep for some
time, and he was tired of being watched. It aroused him too much to
know that his every movement was being monitored. Finally he
snapped, "If you took a picture, it would last longer and be worth
considerably more."
Bobby, in typical fashion, replied childishly, "Fuck you Jean-Paul."
Jean-Paul's face became livid, "If I remember, we've been that route,
not that you'd ever acknowledge it. Hell, you wouldn't even stay
until morning." The raven-haired man groaned as the angry words
spilled from his mouth. Unwittingly he'd revealed far more of himself
than he'd ever intended. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, as he
waited for the explosion he was sure was to come.
Instead, Bobby's jaw hung open. The event of which Jean-Paul spoke
took place years ago, both of them were barely even entered into man-
hood. Bobby was 20 to Jean-Paul's 22. It had happened long before
Jean-Paul announced his sexuality to the world. It was something that
Bobby had spent nearly a decade pretending didn't happen. He
sputtered like a man drowning, "Uh… I… um…"
"Forget it Bobby. I'm sorry I brought it up." Jean-Paul's voice was
tired, his eyes dull.
For years Bobby had successfully maintained the façade that he was a
heterosexual male, with no real inclination towards relationships.
The only living souls that knew his deepest secret were Jean-Paul,
whom he'd successfully avoided, and Logan, who sent him into the
mouth of the lion. He huffed out a breath, "I guess I knew that this
conversation would catch up to me someday. Although I was hoping that
you'd forgotten about the incident."
"The incident? Is that what it was to you? To me it was so much more.
You're truly an asshole, Popsicle." Jean-Paul's face was unreadable
in the dim firelight. His body language was angry and hurt.
"I wasn't ready to be out back then. Hell, neither were you. What do
you want from me?"
"What I want from you is acknowledgement that I exist. That you don't
walk out of a room if I enter it. That you admit that we made love.
You're not out of the closet even now. If anyone hints at your sexuality
you jump on the homophobic bandwagon so quickly that it should give
you right away."
"And yet the question still remains. Why do you even care? Whatever
we had was a long time ago." Bobby sat up on the couch and shrugged.
He knew he had issues, one of which being his honesty about being
gay, but he had no need for Jean-Paul to appoint himself as the
savior of Bobby Drake.
Jean-Paul threw his arms in the air, enraged and spewing forth a
torrent of French. After a moment he calmed marginally and was able
to speak in the language that Bobby understood. "You're a fool, a
stupid fool. I loved you. All these years, I've waited. Waited for
you to come out, for you to grow up. And still you are an overgrown
child who hides behind jokes and games. When does Iceman stop being
an insecure boy and become a man? I could make you happy. I could
love you forever."
Of all the responses Bobby could have gotten, Jean-Paul's was the one
he hadn't expected, nor was it one that he was capable of dissecting
and responding to on such short notice. "I can't be you Jean-Paul. I
can't live under the public eye as you do. I'm not hero enough to
stand up and fight for a little girl that I knew would die from the
moment I held her in my arms. I can't be the X-men's only gay guy. I
need the acceptance of my friends. I'm not strong enough to come out."
"You always think so little of yourself. If you had found Joanne,
you'd have loved her the same as I did. You may not have come out,
but that was my way to fight back. The silence is deadly. If you were
comfortable with yourself, the rest of the X-men wouldn't care. Does
Logan give a shit about the fact that you prefer naked men to naked
women? The answer is no, because as long as you respect his
boundaries, he'll respect yours." Jean-Paul's voice was fraught with
frustration.
"And you always think so much of yourself, Jean-Paul. My choices are
just that, mine. Besides, if you love me so much why have you taken
ever opportunity to criticize me?" Bobby's eyes were angry. He'd come
here to get away, to rethink things, not to argue with a man that
he'd never been able to push from his mind.
"Damn you, Bobby Drake. I do love you, despite everything." Jean-Paul
stormed out of the cabin, not bothering to shut the door behind him.
He was angry that he'd revealed his heart, only to have it tossed
back at his feet. Fuck Bobby. He didn't need him, except for every
single breath he took.
Bobby rubbed a tired hand over his face, as he watched snow come in
the open door. Finally he went and closed it, knowing that Jean-Paul
would return in his own time. While he waited, he contemplated all
that the other man had said. In some ways Bobby had to admit that
Jean-Paul was right. Acceptance had become far more important that
happiness. He had become far too comfortable in the role of bachelor
uncle to the children of Xavier's.
He also had to admit that he was envious of Jean-Paul's ability to be
openly gay. He had watched the other man's coming out after AIDS had
claimed Joanne, Jean-Paul's adopted daughter, when she was a scant
four months old. It was an act of maturity on the part of a man who'd
spent many years in Canada's public spotlight, first as an Olympian,
then as a mutant, then as a superhero. He rose awareness for AIDS,
for gay people. Around that time is the only point that Bobby had
come close to revealing his own sexuality. He'd desperately wanted to
be at Jean-Paul's side. To take some of the pain so evident in the
man, onto himself. In the end his fear won, and he stayed silent.
An hour after Jean-Paul stormed out, he returned to find Bobby still
sitting on the sofa, staring into the fire. He shed his boots, and
once again hung up his coat. Still, Bobby hadn't moved, so Jean-Paul
walked over and sat next to him, not breaking the silence.
Bobby broke the silence, his voice flat and defeated. "You're right.
I hold everyone back with jokes and I've been using my insecurities
as an excuse to stay in the closet. And to be honest I've hid my
feelings for you for years."
"You're right, too. I've been judgmental towards you out of hurt and
anger. You have the right to make your own choices, and I respect you
enough to let you live your life your own way even if its not with
me." Jean-Paul leaned his head back against the back of the sofa and
closed his eyes wearily.
Again silence descended broke only after Bobby had thought a long
time. His words though harsh were spoken conversationally. "You
really are an arrogant bastard, you know."
Jean-Paul turned his head towards Bobby and smiled, "It would appear
that way wouldn't it." The truth was that Jean-Paul's arrogance hid a
man who feared to be hurt, so he held everyone he knew at arms length.
"Did you think I'd fall into your arms grateful that the great
Northstar loved me?" The younger man was puzzled.
Jean Paul's smile faded, "I never intended to tell you at all. You
have the power to hurt me now."
"Why me? Why tell me now?"
Jean-Paul's voice was patient, "Robert, you're kind and
compassionate, and so completely aware of even the slightest mood
changes in those around you. Your joy and passion and loyalty make
you incredibly attractive, but I've been in love with you since that
day we walked side by side into the most horrible café in Montreal.
We sat and talked for two hours before we realized we still hadn't
ordered. I never laughed so much in my life. Then later that night
you let me kiss you and my heart was lost. Two days later we made the
most beautiful love, and I was lost to you. I woke the next morning
to find you gone, only a note on my pillow. You took my heart with
you, and you've had it ever since. So many times over the years, I
wanted to tell you, but I told myself you weren't ready. Maybe you'll
never be ready."
Bobby had never heard so much joy and sadness in a voice at one
time. "It scared me how much I cared about you, that's why I left. It
still scares me. I've spent so many years avoiding you, but at the
same time carefully saving any newspaper clipping in which you
appeared. I cried for days when you lost Joanne."
"You have no idea how much I wanted to call you then and cry on your
shoulder. To have you tell me everything was going to be okay." Jean-
Paul revealed.
Bobby lay a hand on Jean-Paul's shoulder and they both turned to
stare into the fire.
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