Poetry: Struggle Daily

Sometimes it's funny how memories can be so sharp.

I can feel the glass, cold in my hand.

I can taste the liquor wash over my tongue.

I can feel the burn as it slides down my throat.

And I struggle daily, as the memories assail me.

Sometimes I wish I could just have one drink. 

One drink to wash away worry and stress and life.

I know that one drink is both never enough and too many.

I am an alcoholic, and I struggle daily. 

I wonder how memories can be so sharp after so long.

It's been eight years since that glass has weighted my hand.

I'm removed from my past behaviour. 

I've changed so much since then, except for the craving.

Sometimes the desire is worse now than it was at the start.

It's hard to remember the black outs, and the vomit.

It's hard to remember detoxing and withdrawal.

It's hard to remember that I can't stop when I start.

It's easy to remember the slow burn, and the taste.

It's easy to remember that buzz.

But I look to my children and try to remember the bad.

I struggle, but prevail one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

© 2013 Carrie Ann Murphy

Alcohol and other substance abuse remains a prevalent issue for the LGBTQ community. I think this is partly due to the cultivation of a subculture labeling LGBTQ people as "partiers" out for only a good time. Substance abuse should not be a harrowing right of passage that we pass along to our LGBTQ youth. We lose too many great lights to this disease. Because make no mistake, it IS a disease, and very very few people can kick this without help. 

Our Debt.

We owe a debt to those who have paved our way.

Just as we pave the way for the youth that follows.

I have hope that there will come a blessed day,

When "It Gets Better" doesn't ring so hollow. 

When parents no longer turn out their lgbt child.

Just for daring to be who they were born to be.

I know the idea is amazing, a little crazy and wild.

But I have to have hope that we'll someday be free.

Free to love who we love, and marry who we choose.

Free to live openly without fear of being abused. 

Free to know that our jobs we won't lose. 

Free of the excuses that those churches like to use.

But today we are still struggling along the path.

Today our youth are still dying because of hate.

Every single one of us must use our wrath.

To give them a chance for a better fate. 

Our youth are dying in the streets and in the schools.

Don't accept that there is nothing you can do.

Put in the time, volunteer, mentor, don't be a fool.

You might save a kid's life, it really is true. 

You might give hope where there was none,

You might light someone's way. 

You may change the mind of a kid with a gun.

Who thinks no one can hear what they say.

You might not succeed, and we'll lose some along the way.

It doesn't mean we ever stop trying.

Every child, every person deserves to be loved for who they are.

No child, no person should think living is harder than dying.

© 2012 CA Murphy 

Poetry: What is God to me?

What is God to me?
Just a word filled with hypocrisy.
Something to Justify Hate.
An entity you have to sate.

What to me is the Bible?
Just a book filled with Libel.
A book that teaches not love,
a book having us look to help from above.

Our time is better spent here on earth,
rather than looking to others for our self-worth
We need to make good our lives here,
rather than ruling our actions with fear.

What is church to me?
A place that tells me who to be.
A place that tells me, love is a sin.
A place that never welcomes me in.

There isn't a place for me in your Chistianity.
For surely if I believed I'd lose my sanity.
I refuse to hate myself to serve your faith.
To bow down to that would be a disgrace.

I long ago abandoned your shallow teaching,
because there is beauty in souls worth reaching.
I can't stifle my light for you.
To my own heart I must be true.

If you want to see God, look to your sisters and brothers.
If you want to see good, stop looking to others.
Be the good you need to see
For only then will you be free.


©2012  CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

R is for Religion

A to Z blogging challenge

Disclaimer:  these are my personal opinions formed over many years of being subjected to abuse inflicted upon me by a religious family, and by the church itself... I will attempt to be as diplomatic as possible.








I love what the gentleman points out at the end. Despite the hate, discrimination, molestation, that we face as LGBTQ people for the most part we remain a warm, loving, community that continues to try to make this world a better place.

Originally I was going to post some videos that more clearly highlighted hate that is pushed upon us by the religious right, but you know what, If you want to see that more than likely you can go to your local church today, or turn on your tv and watch the news.. Better yet, listen to the people running to be your PRESIDENT.

People are Born LESBIAN, GAY, and BISEXUAL. TRANS people were born feeling as though they are in the WRONG body. We don't recruit your children. We aren't contagious. We've always BEEN there, from the beginning of time. We are just finally speaking up for ourselves and demanding that our voices be heard.

GOD, G*D, ALLAH.. Will YOUR deity judge ME more for LOVING, or YOU more for HATING. I was BORN the way that I am. You are taught to hate, to fill your children with hate. and if they are like ME you teach them to HATE themselves. There is an epidemic of DEATH in this country of LGBTQ kids taking their own lives. This keeps me up at night, and makes me cry in sorrow. I want to take every child and hug. Tell them they PERFECT just the way they are. That it will get better.

Religion... I grew up in a Catholic family. I left the Church a LONG time ago. Sometimes I miss the routine and community of religion, however I will NOT raise my children to HATE anyone else.. I always thought that God was supposed to be about LOVE, Maybe GOD is but RELIGION is not.  Its rhetoric and dogma based on a book written THOUSANDS of years ago. The world has evolved since then and there is a better understanding of things.

IN my OPINION the bible is a BOOK written BY MEN, for MEN. It was also TRANSLATED AND RETRANSLATED BY MEN in times where the people in power changed things to suit themselves. So to me the bible is a book, and it can't rule MY life, and I will not live my life to HATE myself, or anyone else.

There is a long video I'm going to post at the end, by Single Dad Laughing (Dan Pearce) called: I'm Christian, unless you are Gay.. This is a video made by a White, Straight Man. Please watch it if you have time. :) I am also posting SDL's It gets better video.

H & I is for Hate and Ignorance

So I totally missed blogging yesterday because I had family stuff going on that took precedence over the internet.. *GASP* I know, it happens. haha.

So this comprises my H and I posts for the A to Z blogging challenge.





Topic: Hate and Ignorance (they go nicely together yeah?)


If you are alive and semi-aware in today's world. You've seen the news. You've seen the putrid, malevolent hate and violence that some people spew. Towards LGBTQ people, towards Muslims, towards whomever.. It seems as though there is a whole culture of people that cannot abide by diversity.  You have seen the high profile cases like, Matthew Sheppard or Jamey Rodemeyer. One was an outright murder, where the other was the result of bullying to the point of suicide.

Hate. I will never understand it. I don't WANT to understand it. But I do want to wage war against it. and we CANNOT do that as a community if we resort to the same underhanded tactics as those who hate us. We have to be the better, more moral side. Its easy to let hate into your heart, and it is very difficult to let it go. As soon as we resort to the bitter name-calling tactics that they use, we are NO better than them.  We have to be better than that.

Ignorance. Sadly, many of the people that are so hate-filled have no idea what a real Gay person is like. They believe these CRAZY things about LGBT people. Guess what? We are JUST like everyone else. Its simple. We are not uber promiscuous people (no more so really than our straight counterparts) Granting us rights will not negate or lessen your rights. So actually KNOW what the hell you are talking about before you start quoting bible verses at us. Because honestly, In MY OPINION, Jesus and God would be ashamed of the assinine behaviour of so-called Christians.

On that note, I'm gonna post a video and recommend that you check out Single Dad Laughing which is the website run by the creator of the video. The video is long.. but worth it. He did a whole series on this subject. Listen with an open mind. :)

G is for Gorgeous (Photos)

Day 7: A to Z blogging challenge








Topic: Gorgeous

Love is beautiful. People are beautiful. Therefore, People IN love are beautiful. Doesn't matter if they are

straight:

Lesbian:

Gay:

this is one of my favorite couples, Adult Industry professionals and real couple, Austin Wilde and Anthony Romero

bi, tans ( I didn't post photos because really they would look like ANY other gay or straight couple)

Whatever you identify as, if you are in love with another person, its a beautiful thing. Love is gorgeous and wonderful, and we should be grateful to find it. Too much time is spent hung up on what might be going on in someone else's bedroom. Who cares?

anyway, nothing deep today. Just some pretty pictures. a simple message, and I am done for today. Taking tomorrow off.  Happy Holidays to those that celebrate. I'll be back on Monday with a post about Hate.

F is for Family

Day 6: Blogging A to Z Challenge









Topic: Family.

Kids vs no Kids. Should LGBTQ people have children? Are they "qualified" to raise children? Are LGBTQ people able to give children everything that a heterosexual couple would?

The answers go as follows: 1) that is a very PERSONAL choice based on the couple. If you are part of a gay couple and you CHOOSE to have children, whether adopted, or via surrogate then you are PLANNING and CHOOSING to bring a child into your family. That sounds a whole lot more thought out then accidental conception. 2)Is ANYONE qualified to raise children? Last I checked there wasn't a test to take. LGBTQ parents, like ANY other parents would be learning as they go. As long as they are doing it with love in their hearts why WOULDN'T they be qualified. 3)There may be certain things that a LGBTQ family may have to work harder at as far as being able to give their children certain perspectives but there are PLENTY of single parent homes out there, broken homes. ect.. If a person, no matter what their orientation is, is able to provide a stable loving home for a child then THAT is what matters.

I am a Lesbian. I am a mother. I have 3 beautiful children from a marriage.. to a man. Luckily he is super awesome about things. We have rules and guidelines for what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable. Never at any point will he or his family tell our children that being gay is wrong. Someday maybe I'll find someone to share our lives. Right now its not a priority. I have a Kindergartener who was told IN SCHOOL that all gay people are going to hell. My 6 year old came home and asked me what that meant.

I realize that my children will have to deal early and often with the hatred and misconceptions of others. I hope that it will help them grow into compassionate adults who are always willing to fight for what the believe in. I HOPE my children are straight.. because I would love for their life to be easy.. but if they are gay or bi, or whatever.. Its a BLESSING because that's how they were born... and I hope that by the time they are old enough to start thinking of marriage and family, they won't have to struggle  like we do today. I hope that the world is wide open for them to love whomever they want.


All to often in for people in the LGBTQ community, they find that coming out means that they no longer have a biological family. Some people unfortunately will NEVER accept them. So we band together, we create our own families and we carry on..

Just remember that "FAMILY" doesn't have much to do with blood or genetics.. its the PEOPLE that are there for you when you need them, will love you and support you no matter what, and who will care for you as you do them. That's family, and if THAT family happens to be tied to you by genetics WOOHOO.. if not, that is okay too.

E is for Equality

Day 5 of the A to Z blogging challenge:










TOPIC: EQUALITY

equality
noun
1. fairness, equal opportunity, equal treatment, egalitarianism, fair treatment, justness the principle of racial equality
fairness discrimination, prejudice, bias, inequality, unfairness, imparity
2. sameness, balance, identity, similarity, correspondence, parity, likeness, uniformity, equivalence, evenness, coequality, equatability They advocate the unconditional equality of incomes.
sameness disparity, unevenness, lack of balance
Quotations
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" [Thomas Jefferson The Declaration of Independence]
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character" [Martin Luther King Jr. speech at Civil Rights March]
"The defect of equality is that we only desire it with our superiors" [Henry Becque Querelles littéraires]



A lot of people believe that we, as LGBT persons are just wanting things that we have no "right" to want. Most LGBT people just want to be seen as equal in the eyes of the LAW.  We want to the right to go to school and not have to worry about being harrassed, bullied, sometimes killed, or bullied to the point that we want to kill ourselves. We want to be able to get a job and our employer not have the right to fire us just because of whom we MIGHT fall in love with.  We want to be protected under the law. We want to be able to get married, adopt children, live a life just like our heterosexual counterparts. We aren't different. We are just people, the same as everyone else.

"In 76 countries it is illegal to be gay or transgender- in 10 you can be sentenced to DEATH or life in prison. In many others, the ability to work, raise a family and love who you choose free from the threat of violence is not yet a reality." (from allout.org the makers of the above video)

Yes, someday if I meet the right person, I'd love to entertain the thought of marriage.. but not until its legal in my home state. We have to keep fighting, keep making our voices heard.

Civil rights should NOT be up for vote. They should just BE our rights. No one should get to CHOOSE who is worthy of being equal and who is not. We deserve the same rights that everyone else has.

D is for Diversity (super short post)

Day 4 of the A to Z blogging challenge:







topic: Diversity.



Ok, so the symbol of us non-hetero people is the rainbow.. Why? because sexuality is about as diverse as people's food preferences. Seriously. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans*, Questioning, GenderQueer, pansexual, polysexual, asexual.. whatever you identify as, or even if you don't its ok.

This world is a wondrous and DIVERSE place. No matter what color of the rainbow you are, or even if you are in between, you are a human being deserving of dignity and respect with the right to love whomever you wish. That's it. No one has the right to tell you WHO you can love (as long as its another human being and you are both consenting adults.. just saying)

Think of how BORING and BLAND the world would be if we were all the same. Diversity is beautiful, Embrace it. :)

C is for Coming Out

A to Z blogging challenge  day 3:

Today's subject is Coming Out.


If you are living within the spectrum of the rainbow, then more than likely at some point you will "Come Out".  This is a very personal process that is easy for some and unbelievable terrifying and painful for others. I am probably not really qualified to speak or even really to write on this subject, as I am only "out" to some of family although ALL of my friends are aware.

For me it was more of a painful terrifying process. When I was very young I felt that the strictness of our Church wouldn't allow for me to be anything other than a "normal".. I was deeply in the closet throughout my first failed marriage... and after a majorly failed relationship, I stayed in the closet throughout my 2nd marriage.. although I did tell my husband that I was bi.

At 31, I came out to my friends as a lesbian. My straight friends, even my more religious ones were extremely supportive. The family that I did tell was supportive for the most part, although they seemed to share the opinion of some of my gay friends. That this was a "phase", and that I am not REALLY gay.

Of course they don't understand the inner struggle that I endured. They don't know why I made the decisions that I did make.

Did I CHOOSE to be gay? No, I CHOSE to stop pretending to be straight. I lived a miserable existence as a "straight" woman. I was NEVER straight.. I pretended to be in order to fit in with society's conventions.. and I hated myself everyday because I KNEW I was pretending.. 16 years from when I "figured" out that I was different, is a long time to pretend. Its a long time to choose to be someone other than myself. And that is a lot of self hatred. In my opinion no one CHOOSES who they are attracted to. It just is. You love who you love.

Its not about sex. Its about seeking out that soul that will complete me. Its about trying to find that PERSON that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So.. Coming out is a PROCESS, its about trying to reach that place where we can be who we are without hiding and lying and feeling ashamed. Its about trying to find our place within our families, and our communities without the blanket of fear covering us. This process is different for everyone, and even for those that its easier for, its still difficult to live in a world where we lack the civil rights to be able to fight back against discrimination.

So yeah that is what I have to say about Coming out.

B is for Bisexuality

Day 2 of the A to Z Challenge  

Today's subject is Bisexuality.

Bisexuals may be attracted to members of both sexes, or may define themselves as "bisexual" 


-- but they may or may not indulge in active bisexual behaviors.


Its a peeve of mine that there is so much hate in the gay community for bisexuals. Yes, they DO exist. No, this is not an M&M commercial.  People seem to think so many misconceptions about being bisexual. Whether a bisexual person settles down with a man or a woman it doesn't make them any less bisexual. It just means that they found the PERSON they want to be with. Gender in that case doesn't MATTER. 


Why is it that we have to stick a LABEL on everything? I know people in the LG community that absolutely WOULD NOT date a Bi person. They fear that eventually it is inevitable for this person to leave them for a heterosexual partner. They FEAR.  I've found that all too often FEAR and HATE are gripping each other's hands. Its time to let it go. The thing is that with a Bi person, is it possible they will leave for a heterosexual relationship.. yes, but its JUST as possible that they will leave for a homosexual one. 


Is society more lenient of Bisexual people versus Homosexual people? I think it all depends upon perspective.. There is a stigma attached to it on both sides of the homo/hetero fence.  The thing is that the RAINBOW symbol is supposed to symbolize how many diversities there are in this world. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans*, Questioning... we are all looking for the SAME thing. Love and acceptance. 


Maybe this is particularly an issue for me, who for many years identified at Bisexual. I am more attracted to women then men, despite having had  longer lasting relationships with men. But by and large I was trying to fit myself into a role that I thought society would APPROVE of.  At this time its easier to say that I'm a lesbian, even though I probably Identify NOW more as a pansexual. I am open to finding love where ever it presents itself. The outer trappings are very secondary to the inner workings of the person. 


Anyway.. the video below is just over a minute in Length.. Check it out! 

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A is for Apathy

I joined over 1700 other bloggers to do the AtoZ challenge this month. So I'll be posting every day except for Sundays. I wanted to do this challenge to connect with other bloggers, and because I thought that I might just have something to say. I tend to do better under a challenge, then just blogging on my own. Obviously we are going through the alphabet, and I intend on hitting upon issues that are important to me, most of which will probably involve the LGBTQQ community.

Today's topic is Apathy.

Defined Apathy is Noun:

Lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

Synonyms:

indifference - unconcern - torpor - listlessness

Apathy, is the greatest threat to the world at large, and to the LGBTQQ community. If people are indifferent, or don't care about the issues surrounding us, then there is little motivation to see things changed. All too often I hear, "what does it matter to me?", "nothing I do or say will make a difference anyway", "Why should I vote? My vote doesn't count." 

Make it count. If you change 1 person's mind, educate 1 person's heart, You've made a difference. If we want things to change in this world, especially in terms of how the LGBTQQ community is received not just in THIS country but in the world at large then it is up to EACH one of us to take a stand and make a difference. Sure it is easier to sit back and let the outspoken few speak on your behalf, but think of how much stronger they'd be if you raised your voice as well. 

Sometimes doing "our part" is as simple as saying, That's not OK, when you hear hate speech or speech that is negative. Its standing up for yourself and your community. Its easy to tell people that "It gets better." But it gets better when you MAKE it better. Life doesn't hand you much, you have to reach out and grab it. Everyone one of us has the power to change things. Everyone of us has a voice that can be used for good. 

Next time you are thinking that you can't or don't make a difference, I would almost bet that somewhere there is someone that you DID make a difference to. Sometimes we don't see the power of our words and our actions. Sometimes its that 99th out of 100 time, that we are able to see the difference we made. But that doesn't mean that the other 99 times weren't just as profound.

Don't let yourself become apathetic. Don't let yourself slip into indifference. Take a stand, Make a change. 

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Splitting Hairs and My Pledge

So have you all missed the DRAMA that once again come to the m/m writing community? I caught the tail end of it today. Re-read the posts, and have been thinking about it much of the day. I do not identify currently as Trans*, although at one point (and still at some points) I have been questioning.  I have questioned my own identity enough and know personally quite a few people in various stages of transition. I am a huge supporter of the trans* community. I have an infinite amount of respect for those people that are willing to be themselves as truly and as deeply as the trans* folks that I know. I have seen the desperation of someone living in a body that they feel is a betrayal every time they look in a mirror. I have seen the pain that comes with the lack of acceptance by society as a whole. And it IS painful when people can't accept you for who you are. Its even more so when the attacks seem to come from within your own community. 

As members of the LGBTQ community (and our allies) its our responsibility to be MORE accepting than those on the outside. Instead, I see how we compartmentalize ourselves and how we identify ourselves into these tiny little boxes, where we say what IS or ISN'T acceptable. We are especially harsh on trans* people. A trans-man is a MAN, his female parts are merely an accident of birth. The same goes for trans-women. If ANYONE can understand, shouldn't it be US? How can we fight for equality so diligently when we ourselves are guilty of treating members of our own community poorly? 

I'm not going to go into specifics about the above mentioned drama. I will say this. If you choose to utilize certain symbols, please make sure that you know what they mean. Please make sure that you are ready to do them justice. Apathy is our enemy. Refusing to to call notice to injustice is just as bad as being the person to commit the injustice. 

Right now its chic to read m/m romance. And when its not chic anymore, then those of us that belong to the LGBTQ community will still be here. The underground popularity of this genre can be used to do so much good. "Outing" or "Exposing" authors is assinine. Period. If you like the work, you should like it no matter what the author looks like or identifies as. PERIOD. Refusing to accept Trans* characters or bi characters is stupid. If its not your cup of tea to read it, there is no shame in that, but be HONEST about it. Save all the "real" and "pure" bullshit.

Right here, and right now, I am making a pledge. I PROMISE, that I, as a reader, reviewer, and aspiring author will stand up for ALL members of the LGBTQ rainbow within the writing community. I PROMISE that THIS blog is a safe space, and that my Review Blog: Http://smoochersvoice.blogspot.com is Also a safe place.  If YOU are a blogger who Embraces the rainbow, and will accept the challenge to provide a safe place then head over to http://embracetherainbow.com, and snag their beautiful symbol seen both here and at the side of my blog.  

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 3

Jaxx never made it to Germany. The Commander called and notified him that Javier would be transported to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center as soon as he was stable enough. He'd had to undergo surgery to remove as much of the shrapnel in his torso as possible. Jaxx tried to tune out all the medical knowledge he'd gained over the years. He wasn't a nurse here. He was a loved one waiting for news, just like everyone else. It made it worse to know the medical implications of everything. The flare of hope was dimmed by the suffocation of reality. 

For days, he had plenty of time to think while waiting in the room at the Naval Lodge for Javier to arrive from Germany. He thought of all the things unsaid between him and Javier. All the covert looks, and the steamy emails they sent to each other.Not to mention the “old friend” staying over visits. Over the last 4 years, since he'd left the military, they'd become close. Jaxx knew Javier was IT for him. He was the ONE. Javier wasn't there yet, and with the military being the way that it was, he wasn't sure that Javier would ever be in the same head space. It seemed pretty shitty that he'd have to wait another six years to really be with the man he loved. The man, if he was honest with himself, that he'd been in love with for the last 14 years.He just wanted to see him. He just wanted to tell him how much he meant. He couldn't lose him, not now.

No amount of preparation could have truly prepared him for what met him at the hospital. He barely recognized his friend. Under layers of bandages, Javier's pain glazed eyes blinked up at him. Javier's mouth pulled into a semblance of a smile, despite his obvious discomfort.

“So Jesus, I have to get blown up, for you to visit?”

Jaxx frowned, “Jesus?”

Javier let out a coughing laugh, followed by a groan, “the hair. You look like Jesus. Good thing I'm not closer to dead, that might be enough to send me over.” The talking caused Javier to start coughing again, bringing Jaxx to his side to clasp an undamaged hand. Carefully Jaxx brushed the tears off of Javier's face. “If you wanted to see me, you just had to say so. You didn't have to go to so much trouble to get me here.”

By this time, Jaxx could feel his own tears leaking down his face. He wanted to bury his head in Javier's neck and hold him close, but he couldn't. He feared hurting him. Javier's hand tightened around his. “Shhh. I'm lucky. It will be okay, querido.”

At that moment a nurse came in and pursed her lips at the men. “I'm sorry, sir, but we need to run some tests, so you'll have to leave. May I ask what your relationship to Sgt First Class, Jimenez is?”

Jaxx's back stiffened and he was about to snarl at the nurse when Javier squeezed his hand harder, and said, to both Jaxx and the nurses surprise, “He's my partner. He has my medical power of attorney.” Jaxx lifted an eyebrow at Javier, that indicated they'd be discussing this later. Then he leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss over Javier's battered face, before letting Javier's hand go, and stepping outside the room.

Letting Go.

I originally intended this blog for only my writing. But its difficult to separate the blog writer, from the person.

Who am I?
A year ago I would have told you that I was an Army wife (first and foremost) and a mother. I would have totally left out anything really having to do with ME as a person.

The theme over the last year has been change.
Last February 10th, we buried one of the most important people in my life. My Grandmother. She was such a big part of my life growing up. She taught me a lot about love, and a lot about hate and intolerance. She was Roman Catholic. Strict, but fun too. I used to try to wake up before her, but no matter how early I got up she was already seated at the kitchen table, coffee and cigarette in hand. I remember her painting my nails when I was little, and I remember the two of us sitting across the living room reading when I was in high school. For me, in some respects, she was a safe place to run to. But she didn't care for "niggers". (( I HATE HATE HATE that word, and after an impassioned speech about it she refrained from using it)) She was very intolerant of different, and change, and to a teenager who idolized her grandmother that was absolutely terrifying. I didn't want to disappoint her. I wanted her to be proud of me. Fear of that one thing kept me silent for a long time.

Being a lesbian was unacceptable.

So I dated boys. I "pretended". I was the "good kid". The one who did the right thing most of the time. I told everyone that I was NEVER getting married, and NEVER having children. I was joining the military, and eventually I would be an officer, and that would be my life, and that would be ENOUGH. My senior year, I was voted most likely to become an actress, they didn't know that I already was.

Well due to injury, the Navy didn't work out. By 19, I was living back at home, and an alcoholic. By 20, I'd had enough of living at home, and I married my first husband, who was one of my best friends. He is a great great guy, and I loved him, but not the way that I should have. He was my friend, and I adored him, but not enough to make a life with him. By 23, still an alcoholic, I was divorced and once again living at home with my parents.

Then I met HER. The girl I fell in love with. In the end, she was too afraid to be anything but the "good girl", and for the most part our closet doors stayed intact. The only good thing to come out of it all is that I was done drinking. So at 24, definitely on the rebound, and hearing a lot from my parents and grandmother about getting married and having babies, I met B. B was a little younger than me, had a sweet country boy attitude and looked pretty good in his Army uniform. Soooo innocent. And I thought to myself. I can do THIS. I can make THIS work. (I'm not sure if I was just in denial about myself, or completely out of my effing mind) If I can't be IN the military, I'll marry it.

In 2005, I got pregnant, and then married. I can't say that it was a bad marriage, at least at first. I can even for the most part remember being happy. I'm not sure if I was happy with B, or just in love with being a mom. We went on to have 2 more children. (total 3), and through deployments and moves, cheating (his), and just generally a lot of miserably trying to hold it all together.

Bringing us to 2011. We got the call that my grandmother was dying. My dad, my mother and I  rented a car and headed from Missouri to Texas, in the blizzard that stretched all through Arkansas. When we arrived in Texas, my grandmother had actually seemed to have improved. My mother spent the night with her, and then the next day we all went to see her along with aunts and cousins ect. She had a great day of lucidity, talking about old memories, looking at photos of my children. It was a good day. As we were all leaving, promising to see her the next day, I happened to be the last one out of the room. As I hugged her goodbye, she whispered for me to make Myself happy. To be who I am, regardless of what anyone else thought.  At THAT moment I thought it was a little overdramatic, and I brushed it off. The next morning we arrived at the hospital, and my Grandmother was mid-stroke. Late that night she passed away. She gave me back a piece of myself that I didnt'

A year ago we put her in the ground. A lot has changed, and continues to. My grandmother's words tumbled around in my head for quite awhile before I had the courage to do anything about them. In September, I asked my husband of 6 years for a divorce. I told him why. Amazingly he has been super cool about everything. It has lightened our relationship, because we are no longer burdened with trying to make something so so broken work. The truth was, that no MAN was ever going to make me happy. Even if he were the perfect HUSBAND it still would have fallen apart. Did I love him? Yes. I won't or can't explain how or why or whatever.. but I did love him very much. However, it didn't work out, and life moves on whether we are ready or not. I had come to the conclusion of How was I ever supposed to be happy with someone if I continued to shop the wrong department.

Most of my friends and family members know.. kinda anticlimactic, as most of them claimed they already "knew". Spoilsports. My in-laws do not know. All they know is that when B gets back from Afghanistan, we are divorcing. that is a southern baptist holy-rollercoaster, I don't even want to be there for! So looking forward there are challenges and hurdles to be overcome, not the least of which is the whole new world that my children will find themselves in if I ever DO decide to date. But despite all the challenges ahead, I look forward to being able to BE ME, without having to hide something that is integral to my make up.

CarrieAnn M.

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 2

2012

Jaxx raised a hand to the flight crew as he headed off of his 24 hour shift. After getting out of the military, he put his RN certification to use, and decided to pursue the civilian training to do pretty much the same job that he did in the military, a flight nurse. It was a little different on the civilian side, as he seen more pediatric patients then he ever did in the military.

Jaxx reached his jeep and flung his bag into the passenger seat, as he slid his weary body behind the wheel. Now he just had to make it the 25 minute drive home, and he could start his 3 days off. It had been a relatively quiet shift, a few transports, but nothing that was overly involved. He took a minute to rest his head against the steering wheel before poking the keys into the ignition and starting the Jeep. He was just about to pull out of the lot, when his phone started ringing. Not being one to take chances and talk on the phone while driving, he put the jeep back into park, before checking the caller ID. A grin sliced across his face, as he answered the call.

“hey buddy! Hows the mountains treatin ya?”

“Jaxx?” the whispered voice on the phone waivered, as if threatening to crack.

“Mac? What's wrong?” Jaxx was instantly alert, his hand gripping the phone, as if it could connect him with his friend.

Mac took a ragged breath, and said, “We were hit bad. Javier...” Mac's voice broke, and Jaxx could hear his friend struggling for control.

Jaxx closed his eyes, and took a deep breath of his own, knowing that he had to hold it together. The world around him shrunk to the confines of the jeep, everything else faded. “How bad, Mac? He's got to be alive, otherwise you'd be on a blackout. How bad is it?”

Jaxx, reminding him that their friend was still alive seemed to shake Mac out of his grief, “Its bad. An IED hit our convoy. Hit Javier's hum-v. He would have been ok, but once he started pulling guys out, another one detonated near him. He took a lot of shrapnel to his back. I'm not sure if he'll keep his legs. They said as soon as he stablizes they'll send him on to Germany. This is all unofficial, the commander should be calling you soon with official word.”

Jaxx was trying to process everything, but the only thing that proccessed immediately was the last part. “Why the fuck would the Commander be calling me?”

Mac sucked in a breath, “Javier didnt tell you? You are his will as being his next of kin.”

That revelation made Jaxx swallow hard, as he heard a beep signalling he had another incoming call. “I think that might be the Commander now. Um, thanks Mac for calling me and telling me. Keep your head and ass down. Stay safe.”

Mac uttered a quick, “Will do.” and ended the call, freeing Jaxx to answer the incoming call.

“Ajaxx Papalakis, can I help you?”

The Commander quickly introduced himself and went on to explain the situation with Javier, which pretty much mirrored the explanation Mac gave. Jaxx knew that asking medically pertinent questions would probably be lost on the officer, so he didnt bother. “When is Sgt. First Class Jimenez going to be transferred to Germany and what is the protocol for me being able to meet him there?”

After Jaxx had gotten all the information he needed, he ended the call and for long moments just looked at the phone in his hand. The wall paper a photo of Mac and Javier that they'd sent a couple of weeks ago from somewhere in afghanistan. “Fuck!” He slammed his free hand against the steering wheel and began to shake, great heaving sobs working their way up from some unknown place. He cried for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes. Wiping his eyes, he turned off the Jeep, and headed back inside work to request time off. Javier needed him, and that was all that mattered, sleep could wait.

Poetry: Finding Myself (NEW)

I also posted this on tumblr: http://engineerqueen.tumblr.com/post/15435163687/finding-myself

Finding Myself

I have found myself only in glimpses.
In small sections of clarity that never last.
The essence of me is just out of reach
Even at its closest too elusive to grasp.

I wear many labels sometimes jumbled together.
Woman, Daughter, Lesbian, Mother.
Roles that I play for a time perhaps
Writer, Poet, Dreamer, Musician, Lover.

I spend so much time alone
Spinning the wheels of my mind.
Frustrations build as I am still seeking.
Sometimes wondering what I hope to find.

Its hard to love what I don’t understand.
To embrace this person that I see.
I want to, but at times I see only the flaws.
I need to let go I guess and just be me.

There isn’t choreographed steps of what is.
There are no lines to be read.
There isn’t a clear cut path to follow.
I shouldn’t care what is said.

Like everyone else I am searching
Figuring it out as I go along
It doesn’t matter if I find myself.
It only matters that I stay strong.

©2011 CarrieAnn Murphy

Poetry: Ready To Fly (NEW)

More Poetry by me.

Ready to Fly

Lies have cocooned for so long,

Unsure how to live outside their smothering comfort.

Loved ones struggle to accept,

Religious dogma making it difficult.

Leaving behind the life known

Pursuing a life outside anything experienced.

Fear is almost a physical thing

The only other choice is to perpetuate the lies.

The road isn't easy, but its the only one left

All other options were exhausted.

To tell a lie is easy, To live a lie impossible.

It slowly chokes the life out of the liar.

The door edges open, A foot slowly emerges.

Sly glances, hesitant of the path chosen.

Tired of hiding, Tired of lies.

Ready for a change, ready to fly.

© 2011 CarrieAnnMurphy ALL RIGHTS RESERVED