Poetry: Struggle Daily

Sometimes it's funny how memories can be so sharp.

I can feel the glass, cold in my hand.

I can taste the liquor wash over my tongue.

I can feel the burn as it slides down my throat.

And I struggle daily, as the memories assail me.

Sometimes I wish I could just have one drink. 

One drink to wash away worry and stress and life.

I know that one drink is both never enough and too many.

I am an alcoholic, and I struggle daily. 

I wonder how memories can be so sharp after so long.

It's been eight years since that glass has weighted my hand.

I'm removed from my past behaviour. 

I've changed so much since then, except for the craving.

Sometimes the desire is worse now than it was at the start.

It's hard to remember the black outs, and the vomit.

It's hard to remember detoxing and withdrawal.

It's hard to remember that I can't stop when I start.

It's easy to remember the slow burn, and the taste.

It's easy to remember that buzz.

But I look to my children and try to remember the bad.

I struggle, but prevail one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

© 2013 Carrie Ann Murphy

Alcohol and other substance abuse remains a prevalent issue for the LGBTQ community. I think this is partly due to the cultivation of a subculture labeling LGBTQ people as "partiers" out for only a good time. Substance abuse should not be a harrowing right of passage that we pass along to our LGBTQ youth. We lose too many great lights to this disease. Because make no mistake, it IS a disease, and very very few people can kick this without help. 

Our Debt.

We owe a debt to those who have paved our way.

Just as we pave the way for the youth that follows.

I have hope that there will come a blessed day,

When "It Gets Better" doesn't ring so hollow. 

When parents no longer turn out their lgbt child.

Just for daring to be who they were born to be.

I know the idea is amazing, a little crazy and wild.

But I have to have hope that we'll someday be free.

Free to love who we love, and marry who we choose.

Free to live openly without fear of being abused. 

Free to know that our jobs we won't lose. 

Free of the excuses that those churches like to use.

But today we are still struggling along the path.

Today our youth are still dying because of hate.

Every single one of us must use our wrath.

To give them a chance for a better fate. 

Our youth are dying in the streets and in the schools.

Don't accept that there is nothing you can do.

Put in the time, volunteer, mentor, don't be a fool.

You might save a kid's life, it really is true. 

You might give hope where there was none,

You might light someone's way. 

You may change the mind of a kid with a gun.

Who thinks no one can hear what they say.

You might not succeed, and we'll lose some along the way.

It doesn't mean we ever stop trying.

Every child, every person deserves to be loved for who they are.

No child, no person should think living is harder than dying.

© 2012 CA Murphy 

Poetry: What is God to me?

What is God to me?
Just a word filled with hypocrisy.
Something to Justify Hate.
An entity you have to sate.

What to me is the Bible?
Just a book filled with Libel.
A book that teaches not love,
a book having us look to help from above.

Our time is better spent here on earth,
rather than looking to others for our self-worth
We need to make good our lives here,
rather than ruling our actions with fear.

What is church to me?
A place that tells me who to be.
A place that tells me, love is a sin.
A place that never welcomes me in.

There isn't a place for me in your Chistianity.
For surely if I believed I'd lose my sanity.
I refuse to hate myself to serve your faith.
To bow down to that would be a disgrace.

I long ago abandoned your shallow teaching,
because there is beauty in souls worth reaching.
I can't stifle my light for you.
To my own heart I must be true.

If you want to see God, look to your sisters and brothers.
If you want to see good, stop looking to others.
Be the good you need to see
For only then will you be free.


©2012  CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Done

DONE

I don't like to use the word hate, 

but sometimes I hate you so much my throat clogs

with words I want to say but shouldn't

words that if they had power would destroy you. 

You act like you think I live to serve you

That you can walk all over me like dirt 

That I am no better than that after everything

I am not dirt, I am not yours to walk on anymore.

My feelings of guilt over things I couldn't change

Let you walk on me, let you use me in the past.

I never betrayed your trust like you did mine.

My guilty feelings were over things inside myself.

The shame I had is societies shame, no longer mine.

I couldn't make myself feel the way I thought I should.

That doesn't make me less, that makes me human.

That makes me someone who won't take abuse anymore.

But I am done with self-recrimination.

I am done with your lies and subterfuge.

I am finished with the half-life I was living.

I am moving on, better, stronger, and happier than before. 

CarrieAnn Murphy

©2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: One Last Time

One Last Time

Fingertips brush down my spine

Lips nibbling near my ear

The slight tug on my hair

As you pull my head back to accept your kiss.

Tonight We hold each other as if its not ending

Loving the way our bodies sing for one another

This was not where we went wrong

It was everything outside this room, this bed.

My love for you hasn't died

Your love for me never truly lived.

I tell myself I'm okay with that

I am only lying to myself

Your body spooned against mine

So close, I can't tell where you end and I begin

Lovers just for tonight, One last time

Tomorrow will come too soon, ending the spell

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

© 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Lies

Lies

A lie starts so small and innocent,

but has the power to shape nations

to crumble otherwise stable foundations

to end that which you spent a lifetime building.

Your little lies cascaded into a waterfall

the deluge eroding the love we shared

My heart hardened by the flood of pain

Not able to believe in what you say.

You want me to forgive you and move on.

Forgiveness, when you aren't even sorry?

I will be moving on, without you.

Wary the next time pretty words spill from pretty lips.

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

© 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Whispers in the Dark

Whispers in the Dark

Pretty curves half hidden in shadow.

Perspiration drying on your heaving chest

Eyes heavy lidded, and satisfied

Lips parted, still panting from exertion

You are so beautiful, perfect.

Limp limps lying on our bed.

Relaxed, and ready for sleep.

Still you reach for me.

Your hoarse voice whispers love words

My own voice returns them

I look at you, and know I'm lucky

You look at me, and know I'm yours.

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

©2012 All Rights Reserved

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 3

Jaxx never made it to Germany. The Commander called and notified him that Javier would be transported to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center as soon as he was stable enough. He'd had to undergo surgery to remove as much of the shrapnel in his torso as possible. Jaxx tried to tune out all the medical knowledge he'd gained over the years. He wasn't a nurse here. He was a loved one waiting for news, just like everyone else. It made it worse to know the medical implications of everything. The flare of hope was dimmed by the suffocation of reality. 

For days, he had plenty of time to think while waiting in the room at the Naval Lodge for Javier to arrive from Germany. He thought of all the things unsaid between him and Javier. All the covert looks, and the steamy emails they sent to each other.Not to mention the “old friend” staying over visits. Over the last 4 years, since he'd left the military, they'd become close. Jaxx knew Javier was IT for him. He was the ONE. Javier wasn't there yet, and with the military being the way that it was, he wasn't sure that Javier would ever be in the same head space. It seemed pretty shitty that he'd have to wait another six years to really be with the man he loved. The man, if he was honest with himself, that he'd been in love with for the last 14 years.He just wanted to see him. He just wanted to tell him how much he meant. He couldn't lose him, not now.

No amount of preparation could have truly prepared him for what met him at the hospital. He barely recognized his friend. Under layers of bandages, Javier's pain glazed eyes blinked up at him. Javier's mouth pulled into a semblance of a smile, despite his obvious discomfort.

“So Jesus, I have to get blown up, for you to visit?”

Jaxx frowned, “Jesus?”

Javier let out a coughing laugh, followed by a groan, “the hair. You look like Jesus. Good thing I'm not closer to dead, that might be enough to send me over.” The talking caused Javier to start coughing again, bringing Jaxx to his side to clasp an undamaged hand. Carefully Jaxx brushed the tears off of Javier's face. “If you wanted to see me, you just had to say so. You didn't have to go to so much trouble to get me here.”

By this time, Jaxx could feel his own tears leaking down his face. He wanted to bury his head in Javier's neck and hold him close, but he couldn't. He feared hurting him. Javier's hand tightened around his. “Shhh. I'm lucky. It will be okay, querido.”

At that moment a nurse came in and pursed her lips at the men. “I'm sorry, sir, but we need to run some tests, so you'll have to leave. May I ask what your relationship to Sgt First Class, Jimenez is?”

Jaxx's back stiffened and he was about to snarl at the nurse when Javier squeezed his hand harder, and said, to both Jaxx and the nurses surprise, “He's my partner. He has my medical power of attorney.” Jaxx lifted an eyebrow at Javier, that indicated they'd be discussing this later. Then he leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss over Javier's battered face, before letting Javier's hand go, and stepping outside the room.

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 2

2012

Jaxx raised a hand to the flight crew as he headed off of his 24 hour shift. After getting out of the military, he put his RN certification to use, and decided to pursue the civilian training to do pretty much the same job that he did in the military, a flight nurse. It was a little different on the civilian side, as he seen more pediatric patients then he ever did in the military.

Jaxx reached his jeep and flung his bag into the passenger seat, as he slid his weary body behind the wheel. Now he just had to make it the 25 minute drive home, and he could start his 3 days off. It had been a relatively quiet shift, a few transports, but nothing that was overly involved. He took a minute to rest his head against the steering wheel before poking the keys into the ignition and starting the Jeep. He was just about to pull out of the lot, when his phone started ringing. Not being one to take chances and talk on the phone while driving, he put the jeep back into park, before checking the caller ID. A grin sliced across his face, as he answered the call.

“hey buddy! Hows the mountains treatin ya?”

“Jaxx?” the whispered voice on the phone waivered, as if threatening to crack.

“Mac? What's wrong?” Jaxx was instantly alert, his hand gripping the phone, as if it could connect him with his friend.

Mac took a ragged breath, and said, “We were hit bad. Javier...” Mac's voice broke, and Jaxx could hear his friend struggling for control.

Jaxx closed his eyes, and took a deep breath of his own, knowing that he had to hold it together. The world around him shrunk to the confines of the jeep, everything else faded. “How bad, Mac? He's got to be alive, otherwise you'd be on a blackout. How bad is it?”

Jaxx, reminding him that their friend was still alive seemed to shake Mac out of his grief, “Its bad. An IED hit our convoy. Hit Javier's hum-v. He would have been ok, but once he started pulling guys out, another one detonated near him. He took a lot of shrapnel to his back. I'm not sure if he'll keep his legs. They said as soon as he stablizes they'll send him on to Germany. This is all unofficial, the commander should be calling you soon with official word.”

Jaxx was trying to process everything, but the only thing that proccessed immediately was the last part. “Why the fuck would the Commander be calling me?”

Mac sucked in a breath, “Javier didnt tell you? You are his will as being his next of kin.”

That revelation made Jaxx swallow hard, as he heard a beep signalling he had another incoming call. “I think that might be the Commander now. Um, thanks Mac for calling me and telling me. Keep your head and ass down. Stay safe.”

Mac uttered a quick, “Will do.” and ended the call, freeing Jaxx to answer the incoming call.

“Ajaxx Papalakis, can I help you?”

The Commander quickly introduced himself and went on to explain the situation with Javier, which pretty much mirrored the explanation Mac gave. Jaxx knew that asking medically pertinent questions would probably be lost on the officer, so he didnt bother. “When is Sgt. First Class Jimenez going to be transferred to Germany and what is the protocol for me being able to meet him there?”

After Jaxx had gotten all the information he needed, he ended the call and for long moments just looked at the phone in his hand. The wall paper a photo of Mac and Javier that they'd sent a couple of weeks ago from somewhere in afghanistan. “Fuck!” He slammed his free hand against the steering wheel and began to shake, great heaving sobs working their way up from some unknown place. He cried for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes. Wiping his eyes, he turned off the Jeep, and headed back inside work to request time off. Javier needed him, and that was all that mattered, sleep could wait.

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 1

 *Photos are NOT mine, but the story is, © 2012 CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED*

 *photo is of greek model Theo Theodoridis, who I am basing Jaxx off of.* 

Summer 2008

Ajaxx Papalakis had learned from an early age that life wasn't fair. It wasn't fair when he was abandoned on the church steps as an infant, it wasn't fair growing up in the series of foster homes and facilities, especially after figuring out he was gay, and it wasn't fair now. Never would be. Fair was a fantasy for those who could afford to buy it. The only way he'd gotten anywhere is by fighting tooth and nail for it, and never backing down when people told him he couldn't or shouldn't. Sure, he'd beaten the odds by staying off drugs and out of jail. He broke them by finishing high school near the top of his class even though he'd been homeless as often as not.

At 18, Jaxx joined the US Army, and now at 28, after 10 years, he was being forced to hang up his gun and boots, and walk away. Don't ask, Don't tell reared its ugly head and bit him in the ass. Oh well, after 4 tours overseas, he'd had enough, anyway. He'd seen enough war and blood and suffering in third world countries. There was plenty of suffering to see here in the United States. Still, it was bittersweet, as he said goodbyes to the friends he'd made along the way. It was hardest to say goodbye to his best friends, Ryan MacAllister and Javier Jimenez. They'd been stationed together more often then not ever since they'd all met in basic training a lifetime ago. They were an odd bunch. The Greek, the Scotch-Irish, and the Mexican. They were closer than brothers. Jaxx and Javier were both darker in complexion, than Mac's pale Irish skin. Jaxx's green eyes often prompted questions about whether or not he was wearing contacts.

Jaxx took a few minutes to scan his apartment, to make sure they hadn't forgotten anything. He could hear Mac and JJ arguing good naturedly over their favorite football teams downstairs. He couldn't help but smile, those two always found something to argue about. He was so absorbed in his own world he was startled by the soft hand that touched his arm.

Sissy McCain-McAllister's soft Texas drawled rolled over him, "Sorry, Darlin', I didn't mean to make you jump." She smiled sadly. "These guys are really gonna miss you." He took a moment to admire her tall slender frame, and the long untameable curls that looked as if flames licked down her back. He couldn't help but think that she complemented Mac so well. Maybe now that he was leaving the military, he could find someone to come home to as well.

Jaxx, nodded tightly, his throat suddenly seizing up on him. He tried to smile and joke, "What's that supposed to mean Sis, you aren't gonna miss me?" He ran a nervous hand over his short military haircut, and down his clean-shaven face.

She laughed, but her expression remained serious, "It just won't be the same without you." They both turned their heads as they heard truck doors slam and the grumbling about "lazy people" come wafting up the stairs. "Guess that's your cue. Why don't y'all say good bye, and I'll lock up." She held her hand out for the keys and pushed Jaxx towards the door. 

Jaxx headed down the stairs watching his two friends lean up against his packed to the gills U haul. When he reached them, he rubbed his suddenly sweaty hands down his grimy jeans, and stuck his hand out to shake Mac's hand. Mac batted the hand away and pulled Jaxx's smaller frame in for a hug. He whispered, "Gonna miss you, Jaxx." Mac cleared his throat, and then said louder, as he pushed Jaxx away, "You make sure you keep in touch, okay."

Jaxx nodded, then looked to Javier, who stood back a bit, looking like he wasn't sure whether to cry or hit something. Though Jaxx and Mac were close, there was always an extra closeness with Javier. Perhaps because they both grew up without any real 'family' to rely upon. "Well, you gonna wish me luck Jimenez?"

Javier grunted, and said, "This is all bullshit, man. You shouldn't even be having to go. Can't you fight it?"

Jaxx leveled a look at his friend, and said quietly, "Its true, if I fight it then it could end up worse. At least like this I get an honorable discharge. Now, wish me well, and let me get on the road."

Javier felt like his right arm was being severed just thinking about Jaxx leaving their little circle, and he didn't really want to examine why he felt that way. He scowled at Jaxx's explanation, but hugged his friend fiercely, and said quietly, "You better get a place big enough for us to crash when we come visit."

Jaxx couldn't help but shiver, at Javier's breath against his neck. Other body parts started to take notice as well. He stepped back, and pasted a smile on. "Watch each other's back, and don't fight so much now that I'm not gonna be around to referee." 

Ryan and Javier stood shoulder to shoulder as they watched Jaxx jump into his moving truck and drive away.

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*Nick Ayler, Whom I'm basing Mac on*

 *Bernardo Velasco, whom I'm basing Javier on*                                  >