Splitting Hairs and My Pledge

So have you all missed the DRAMA that once again come to the m/m writing community? I caught the tail end of it today. Re-read the posts, and have been thinking about it much of the day. I do not identify currently as Trans*, although at one point (and still at some points) I have been questioning.  I have questioned my own identity enough and know personally quite a few people in various stages of transition. I am a huge supporter of the trans* community. I have an infinite amount of respect for those people that are willing to be themselves as truly and as deeply as the trans* folks that I know. I have seen the desperation of someone living in a body that they feel is a betrayal every time they look in a mirror. I have seen the pain that comes with the lack of acceptance by society as a whole. And it IS painful when people can't accept you for who you are. Its even more so when the attacks seem to come from within your own community. 

As members of the LGBTQ community (and our allies) its our responsibility to be MORE accepting than those on the outside. Instead, I see how we compartmentalize ourselves and how we identify ourselves into these tiny little boxes, where we say what IS or ISN'T acceptable. We are especially harsh on trans* people. A trans-man is a MAN, his female parts are merely an accident of birth. The same goes for trans-women. If ANYONE can understand, shouldn't it be US? How can we fight for equality so diligently when we ourselves are guilty of treating members of our own community poorly? 

I'm not going to go into specifics about the above mentioned drama. I will say this. If you choose to utilize certain symbols, please make sure that you know what they mean. Please make sure that you are ready to do them justice. Apathy is our enemy. Refusing to to call notice to injustice is just as bad as being the person to commit the injustice. 

Right now its chic to read m/m romance. And when its not chic anymore, then those of us that belong to the LGBTQ community will still be here. The underground popularity of this genre can be used to do so much good. "Outing" or "Exposing" authors is assinine. Period. If you like the work, you should like it no matter what the author looks like or identifies as. PERIOD. Refusing to accept Trans* characters or bi characters is stupid. If its not your cup of tea to read it, there is no shame in that, but be HONEST about it. Save all the "real" and "pure" bullshit.

Right here, and right now, I am making a pledge. I PROMISE, that I, as a reader, reviewer, and aspiring author will stand up for ALL members of the LGBTQ rainbow within the writing community. I PROMISE that THIS blog is a safe space, and that my Review Blog: Http://smoochersvoice.blogspot.com is Also a safe place.  If YOU are a blogger who Embraces the rainbow, and will accept the challenge to provide a safe place then head over to http://embracetherainbow.com, and snag their beautiful symbol seen both here and at the side of my blog.  

Road Trip and Tattoos

Well, I'm sure a lot of the people that read this blog know, I recently took a family trip to Pennsylvania from Missouri. My father and I took the 5 grandchildren (my 3 and my sister's 2) to PA for my Grand da's 80th birthday celebration. It was a surprise, so we snuck into town, with only my Aunt and Uncle knowing we were coming. It was a 2 day drive (a total of 20 driving hours) with 5 kids, all aged 9 and under. WHEW! Actually the kids were pretty good, all things considered.

I was very apprehensive about this trip. I didn't want to answer any questions about my marriage (or impending divorce) There are a million reasons for it, and while the lying, cheating, and PTSD are MAJOR factors in it, so is the fact that I was never happy because he was a man. Of course, my family is very conservative. Especially in regards to homosexuality. I don't know that I will ever be "OUT" to them. I will say that I don't think I'm the only one, and that it saddens me to think that, that person might never be able to be themselves. At any rate, the questions were kept at a minimum, and seeing my GrandDa celebrate his 80th birthday was pretty awesome. Seeing the look on his face as he rounded the corner and seen my Da was PRICELESS. My Grand Da was definitely overjoyed to have all 4 of his children together, especially for a happy occasion. The last time they were all together was for my Gram's funeral in 2004.

We returned yesterday, and my feelings are bittersweet. So happy to have seen my cousins and connect to them all as adults. So happy to see my Aunts and Uncles, my Grand Da and his wife. So incredibly sad that the time was so short, and that I have no real plans to return there soon. I'm also sad that I felt like I was keeping myself back from them, skirting issues and politics because we don't see eye to eye.

On a happier note... I am going this week to make an appointment about a tattoo.  My friend, Vida, who is amazing and awesome and absolutely a beautiful person inside and out, drew out my tattoo. The one I've been wanting for about 2 years now. She took my idea of wanting a Motherhood knot with the Tree of Life, and she made it so much better, adding things that I didn't know it needed. I am so looking forward to putting her work on my body. It couldn't possibly be more perfect.

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 5

Jaxx's life had become a whirlwind of flights between his home in Texas, and his heart in Maryland. He was torn that he couldn't be with Javier full time as he was recovering at Walter Reed, but he still needed to maintain his job and mortgage. They had been pushing the doctor's to release Javi to the Center for the Intrepid. That it was located in San Antonio, the city he lived and worked in was definitely a bonus.

He was bone tired, and having Javi closer would make things a little bit easier. He loved Javier more than his own life, and he would gladly take his pain as his own if he could. Not that Javi would want that. He sighed. These flights gave him too much time to think, and wonder, and worry. Javier scrubbed his hand over his face, and realized, he probably hadn't shaved in a couple days. He shook his head and laughed at himself. He was barely holding everything together.

As he headed down the stark hospital corridor towards the cramped room that housed Javier and the young marine who roomed with him, he heard the familiar lilt of Javier's accented voice, and of others laughing at whatever he'd said. Walking through the doorway, Javier was obviously telling some grand story, with his arms gesturing wildly and his face animated. Jaxx's breath caught in his throat. Javier looked almost back to normal. A little thinner, a short jagged scar marring his forehead near the hairline, but to see him in such high spirits was amazing. At that moment, Javier looked up and caught Jaxx staring at him. He stopped telling his story, and a huge grin washed over his face. "Amor mio, come. I want to introduce you. Jaxx, this is Lance Corporal Danny Jones' parents, Vera, and Sam. Vera and Sam, this is my other half, Ajaxx Papalakis."

Vera and Sam looked like the stereotypical well dressed middle-class couple. Vera was petite and absoultely dwarfed by her much taller husband. . Jaxx was a little surprised to be swept up in Vera's bone-crushing hug, "Well, now, if you aren't just about the prettiest man I ever did see. Why if you had just a little bit more facial hair, you'd look just like Jesus." Jaxx looked up at Javier in amusement, while Javier snorted with barely contained laughter. Sam, broke in, gently prying his wife away from Jaxx. "Now, honey, you don't want to scare the boy." He thrust out his hand and Jaxx, "I'd apologize, but she's right, you do look a lot like um... " He trailed off with pink cheeks.

Jaxx laughed, "Its nice to meet both of you." He made his way over to Javier's bedside and twined his fingers with that of his lover as he dropped a chaste kiss on the other man's lips. He turned back to the older couple, to find Vera with her hand on her heart like she'd just witnessed the most romantic thing. "Oh how precious. Its so nice to see that you boys don't have to hide anymore." Jaxx was a little surprised at the instant acceptance, but was happy that it wouldn't be an issue for them. Both Javier and himself had hid for long enough. "Didn't I tell you, he was handsome, Mrs. Jones?" chimed Javier. Jaxx caught Sam's eye, and they both rolled their eyes.

Sam grabbed Vera's arm, and led her towards the door. "We are headed for lunch while Danny's in physical therapy. You two enjoy your time together." Jaxx watched as some unspoken "thing" passed between the couple and Javier. As soon as the couple cleared the room, the door clicking behind him, Jaxx turned to his lover. "You look good, baby. Did they finally get the infection under control." Jaxx, out of habit began to start assessing Javier, much as he would a patient. Javier's sudden grip on his arm stopped him. "Jaxx. Sit. We must talk. I am not your patient. "  Jaxx backed off, and dropped into the chair next to Javier's bed and waited expectantly.

Javier took a deep breath, and said, "I have something to tell you. They couldn't get the infection under control, and I was so frustrated with being in this damn bed. Early this week they took the leg."

Jaxx felt like his breath had been yanked from his body. Why didn't the doctor tell him, why didn't Javier tell him before now? It took him a minute to register that Javier was still talking, "... My choice to have it cut off. I understand if you don't want to be with someone who will never be..."

Jaxx had heard enough, and he erupted, green eyes flashing, "You would UNDERSTAND!  You would understand if I walked out the damn door because of what? Part of a damn leg? I didn't love the leg, I love you, you idiot! What did you mean it was your choice? "

Javier pulled the other man down for a kiss, carding his hand through his hair and fist in it his hands as he plundered his lovers mouth. They were both breathing harshly when they parted. Javi released Jaxx's hair, and shifted to once again twine their fingers together. "The infection wasn't bad enough that the leg would never heal, but it would never heal right, and I would have pain for the rest of my life. I opted to have it amputated. Its a trans-tib.... below the knee amputation. I'll be able to start being fitted for prosthetics soon. I'll even be able to return to duty if that's what I want."

Jaxx couldn't help but be happy for his lover, even if his heart hurt at the idea of Javier staying in the Army. He knew that Javier was close to having his 20 years in, and having served 10 years himself, he understood wanting to finish his time out, but part of his was pissed off. Hadn't they put their love and their lives on hold for the Army long enough. Hadn't they paid and sacrified enough? Instead of voicing any of that he just pasted on a smile and squeezed Javier's hand.

Grinning, Javier flipped up the left side of his blanket, exposing the gauze covering the stump where his leg had been. Jaxx's eyes filled with tears, and he kissed Javier's hand. "It looks good, not infected. Swollen, but that's expected." Jaxx often reverted to what Javier referred to as "medic mode" whenever the stress of the situation got too much. Javier understood. It was a lot for a family member to take on, and unlike Danny Jones' parents, Jaxx only had himself for support. "Its going to be ok, cariño. We'll make it through this together. Good news is that I should be able to move down to Texas soon."

Real Life and Reviews

Okay so life got a wee bit busy, what with 3 small children, school, ect. I am so super excited though that I'm registered to go to the GRL retreat in October, where I will be Fan-Girling all OVER the place. I am very much looking forward to meeting all my online friends.  I love summer vacation, but I find myself really looking past that to next school year and next Oct. Hurry up time, you are going too slowly.


On another front, I've launched another blog, that will feature LGBTQ book reviews. You can find it at http://smoochersvoice.blogspot.com . My first review is up, and I"m super excited about it. Go check it out!

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 4

*Javier's POV*

((Author's note.. Javier was bugging me, and this had to be put down before I could move on to the rest of the story.. think of this as a Behind the scenes post. haha))

I think I fell in love with Jaxx, pretty much from the first moment we met. I can still remember his scrawny ass, with all that attitude, the first day of basic. He never let nobody tell him anything. He could do everything his self. He never wanted help from anybody, especially no mexican kid like me. I fell in love with that attitude. If you told him he couldn't do something, it just made him try harder.

Mac was the person that brought us all together though. He was the mellow, to Jaxx and I's more high strung natures. Somehow we became inseparable, keeping in contact despite our different schools. Me and Mac, were MP's, so we were together, but we wrote Jaxx letters and he wrote back when we were separated. On our first assignments after training, we were all lucky to be with the same unit. Its almost unheard of, but we sure weren't looking a gift horse in the mouth. 

Over the years, we were all together more than we were separate, but Jaxx and I never crossed that line out of friendship until 2008. Jaxx never explained how he got outed, and why he got separated, but I'm sure that he took the discharge to protect my career. I will always feel guilty for that. I admit too, that I was angry at him for packing up and leaving, although if  he'd have stayed I would have gotten out too. Maybe I should have. I feel like he and I have spent our whole relationship playing what if, and hurry up and wait. All we had were stolen moments, hidden away from the world. In public he was my "buddy". In private, he was everything. He was strong and beautiful, and only he could understand truly the danger of being outed under Don't ask Don't tell.

When DADT was repealed in 2011 and became official, I was already deployed to Afghanistan. Our letters and phone calls were full of plans to move closer together, to have a real relationship, rather than the half-life we'd been living. I never told him I'd changed him to be my next of kin. Most of my family lived in Mexico, and we weren't close. Jaxx was my family. He'd been my family since 1998. He was my reason to come home. Love isn't our problem, its real life and making it work.

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 3

Jaxx never made it to Germany. The Commander called and notified him that Javier would be transported to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center as soon as he was stable enough. He'd had to undergo surgery to remove as much of the shrapnel in his torso as possible. Jaxx tried to tune out all the medical knowledge he'd gained over the years. He wasn't a nurse here. He was a loved one waiting for news, just like everyone else. It made it worse to know the medical implications of everything. The flare of hope was dimmed by the suffocation of reality. 

For days, he had plenty of time to think while waiting in the room at the Naval Lodge for Javier to arrive from Germany. He thought of all the things unsaid between him and Javier. All the covert looks, and the steamy emails they sent to each other.Not to mention the “old friend” staying over visits. Over the last 4 years, since he'd left the military, they'd become close. Jaxx knew Javier was IT for him. He was the ONE. Javier wasn't there yet, and with the military being the way that it was, he wasn't sure that Javier would ever be in the same head space. It seemed pretty shitty that he'd have to wait another six years to really be with the man he loved. The man, if he was honest with himself, that he'd been in love with for the last 14 years.He just wanted to see him. He just wanted to tell him how much he meant. He couldn't lose him, not now.

No amount of preparation could have truly prepared him for what met him at the hospital. He barely recognized his friend. Under layers of bandages, Javier's pain glazed eyes blinked up at him. Javier's mouth pulled into a semblance of a smile, despite his obvious discomfort.

“So Jesus, I have to get blown up, for you to visit?”

Jaxx frowned, “Jesus?”

Javier let out a coughing laugh, followed by a groan, “the hair. You look like Jesus. Good thing I'm not closer to dead, that might be enough to send me over.” The talking caused Javier to start coughing again, bringing Jaxx to his side to clasp an undamaged hand. Carefully Jaxx brushed the tears off of Javier's face. “If you wanted to see me, you just had to say so. You didn't have to go to so much trouble to get me here.”

By this time, Jaxx could feel his own tears leaking down his face. He wanted to bury his head in Javier's neck and hold him close, but he couldn't. He feared hurting him. Javier's hand tightened around his. “Shhh. I'm lucky. It will be okay, querido.”

At that moment a nurse came in and pursed her lips at the men. “I'm sorry, sir, but we need to run some tests, so you'll have to leave. May I ask what your relationship to Sgt First Class, Jimenez is?”

Jaxx's back stiffened and he was about to snarl at the nurse when Javier squeezed his hand harder, and said, to both Jaxx and the nurses surprise, “He's my partner. He has my medical power of attorney.” Jaxx lifted an eyebrow at Javier, that indicated they'd be discussing this later. Then he leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss over Javier's battered face, before letting Javier's hand go, and stepping outside the room.

Letting Go.

I originally intended this blog for only my writing. But its difficult to separate the blog writer, from the person.

Who am I?
A year ago I would have told you that I was an Army wife (first and foremost) and a mother. I would have totally left out anything really having to do with ME as a person.

The theme over the last year has been change.
Last February 10th, we buried one of the most important people in my life. My Grandmother. She was such a big part of my life growing up. She taught me a lot about love, and a lot about hate and intolerance. She was Roman Catholic. Strict, but fun too. I used to try to wake up before her, but no matter how early I got up she was already seated at the kitchen table, coffee and cigarette in hand. I remember her painting my nails when I was little, and I remember the two of us sitting across the living room reading when I was in high school. For me, in some respects, she was a safe place to run to. But she didn't care for "niggers". (( I HATE HATE HATE that word, and after an impassioned speech about it she refrained from using it)) She was very intolerant of different, and change, and to a teenager who idolized her grandmother that was absolutely terrifying. I didn't want to disappoint her. I wanted her to be proud of me. Fear of that one thing kept me silent for a long time.

Being a lesbian was unacceptable.

So I dated boys. I "pretended". I was the "good kid". The one who did the right thing most of the time. I told everyone that I was NEVER getting married, and NEVER having children. I was joining the military, and eventually I would be an officer, and that would be my life, and that would be ENOUGH. My senior year, I was voted most likely to become an actress, they didn't know that I already was.

Well due to injury, the Navy didn't work out. By 19, I was living back at home, and an alcoholic. By 20, I'd had enough of living at home, and I married my first husband, who was one of my best friends. He is a great great guy, and I loved him, but not the way that I should have. He was my friend, and I adored him, but not enough to make a life with him. By 23, still an alcoholic, I was divorced and once again living at home with my parents.

Then I met HER. The girl I fell in love with. In the end, she was too afraid to be anything but the "good girl", and for the most part our closet doors stayed intact. The only good thing to come out of it all is that I was done drinking. So at 24, definitely on the rebound, and hearing a lot from my parents and grandmother about getting married and having babies, I met B. B was a little younger than me, had a sweet country boy attitude and looked pretty good in his Army uniform. Soooo innocent. And I thought to myself. I can do THIS. I can make THIS work. (I'm not sure if I was just in denial about myself, or completely out of my effing mind) If I can't be IN the military, I'll marry it.

In 2005, I got pregnant, and then married. I can't say that it was a bad marriage, at least at first. I can even for the most part remember being happy. I'm not sure if I was happy with B, or just in love with being a mom. We went on to have 2 more children. (total 3), and through deployments and moves, cheating (his), and just generally a lot of miserably trying to hold it all together.

Bringing us to 2011. We got the call that my grandmother was dying. My dad, my mother and I  rented a car and headed from Missouri to Texas, in the blizzard that stretched all through Arkansas. When we arrived in Texas, my grandmother had actually seemed to have improved. My mother spent the night with her, and then the next day we all went to see her along with aunts and cousins ect. She had a great day of lucidity, talking about old memories, looking at photos of my children. It was a good day. As we were all leaving, promising to see her the next day, I happened to be the last one out of the room. As I hugged her goodbye, she whispered for me to make Myself happy. To be who I am, regardless of what anyone else thought.  At THAT moment I thought it was a little overdramatic, and I brushed it off. The next morning we arrived at the hospital, and my Grandmother was mid-stroke. Late that night she passed away. She gave me back a piece of myself that I didnt'

A year ago we put her in the ground. A lot has changed, and continues to. My grandmother's words tumbled around in my head for quite awhile before I had the courage to do anything about them. In September, I asked my husband of 6 years for a divorce. I told him why. Amazingly he has been super cool about everything. It has lightened our relationship, because we are no longer burdened with trying to make something so so broken work. The truth was, that no MAN was ever going to make me happy. Even if he were the perfect HUSBAND it still would have fallen apart. Did I love him? Yes. I won't or can't explain how or why or whatever.. but I did love him very much. However, it didn't work out, and life moves on whether we are ready or not. I had come to the conclusion of How was I ever supposed to be happy with someone if I continued to shop the wrong department.

Most of my friends and family members know.. kinda anticlimactic, as most of them claimed they already "knew". Spoilsports. My in-laws do not know. All they know is that when B gets back from Afghanistan, we are divorcing. that is a southern baptist holy-rollercoaster, I don't even want to be there for! So looking forward there are challenges and hurdles to be overcome, not the least of which is the whole new world that my children will find themselves in if I ever DO decide to date. But despite all the challenges ahead, I look forward to being able to BE ME, without having to hide something that is integral to my make up.

CarrieAnn M.