Poetry: Struggle Daily

Sometimes it's funny how memories can be so sharp.

I can feel the glass, cold in my hand.

I can taste the liquor wash over my tongue.

I can feel the burn as it slides down my throat.

And I struggle daily, as the memories assail me.

Sometimes I wish I could just have one drink. 

One drink to wash away worry and stress and life.

I know that one drink is both never enough and too many.

I am an alcoholic, and I struggle daily. 

I wonder how memories can be so sharp after so long.

It's been eight years since that glass has weighted my hand.

I'm removed from my past behaviour. 

I've changed so much since then, except for the craving.

Sometimes the desire is worse now than it was at the start.

It's hard to remember the black outs, and the vomit.

It's hard to remember detoxing and withdrawal.

It's hard to remember that I can't stop when I start.

It's easy to remember the slow burn, and the taste.

It's easy to remember that buzz.

But I look to my children and try to remember the bad.

I struggle, but prevail one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

© 2013 Carrie Ann Murphy

Alcohol and other substance abuse remains a prevalent issue for the LGBTQ community. I think this is partly due to the cultivation of a subculture labeling LGBTQ people as "partiers" out for only a good time. Substance abuse should not be a harrowing right of passage that we pass along to our LGBTQ youth. We lose too many great lights to this disease. Because make no mistake, it IS a disease, and very very few people can kick this without help. 

Our Debt.

We owe a debt to those who have paved our way.

Just as we pave the way for the youth that follows.

I have hope that there will come a blessed day,

When "It Gets Better" doesn't ring so hollow. 

When parents no longer turn out their lgbt child.

Just for daring to be who they were born to be.

I know the idea is amazing, a little crazy and wild.

But I have to have hope that we'll someday be free.

Free to love who we love, and marry who we choose.

Free to live openly without fear of being abused. 

Free to know that our jobs we won't lose. 

Free of the excuses that those churches like to use.

But today we are still struggling along the path.

Today our youth are still dying because of hate.

Every single one of us must use our wrath.

To give them a chance for a better fate. 

Our youth are dying in the streets and in the schools.

Don't accept that there is nothing you can do.

Put in the time, volunteer, mentor, don't be a fool.

You might save a kid's life, it really is true. 

You might give hope where there was none,

You might light someone's way. 

You may change the mind of a kid with a gun.

Who thinks no one can hear what they say.

You might not succeed, and we'll lose some along the way.

It doesn't mean we ever stop trying.

Every child, every person deserves to be loved for who they are.

No child, no person should think living is harder than dying.

© 2012 CA Murphy 

Hello Strangers!

It has been awhile since I blogged. Life got sort of busy. In April I started a local group for LGBTQ folks and their Allies. Who knew it would take over my life? I didn't. I didn't realize that it would totally consume me. I have some pretty awesome people that i have met along the way, and we have decided as a whole that we would like to take our group into the non-profit sector and really try to help our local communities understand our rights and our issues. We live in rural Missouri, and for us the nearest group or support type community is over an hour away. So, as we have embarked on this new journey, a lot of my free time has disappeared. 

Honestly I need to learn to manage my time a little bit better. I would love to say that things will even out once school starts, but honestly it will probably just get more hectic with me starting school as well as my children, plus I still have a toddler at home, AND the non-profit, AND I am looking for a job. sigh. So that is what's going on in my world. 

CarrieAnn

Poetry: What is God to me?

What is God to me?
Just a word filled with hypocrisy.
Something to Justify Hate.
An entity you have to sate.

What to me is the Bible?
Just a book filled with Libel.
A book that teaches not love,
a book having us look to help from above.

Our time is better spent here on earth,
rather than looking to others for our self-worth
We need to make good our lives here,
rather than ruling our actions with fear.

What is church to me?
A place that tells me who to be.
A place that tells me, love is a sin.
A place that never welcomes me in.

There isn't a place for me in your Chistianity.
For surely if I believed I'd lose my sanity.
I refuse to hate myself to serve your faith.
To bow down to that would be a disgrace.

I long ago abandoned your shallow teaching,
because there is beauty in souls worth reaching.
I can't stifle my light for you.
To my own heart I must be true.

If you want to see God, look to your sisters and brothers.
If you want to see good, stop looking to others.
Be the good you need to see
For only then will you be free.


©2012  CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

V & W is for Voice & Writing.

Blogging A to Z



topic: Voice and Writing


The world view is changing. That is a fact. It might be slow in coming about, but we are getting there. Eventually in history, it will not seem scandalous that famous people had same sex lover/partners/husbands/wives. It won't matter. But I want to let you know, YOUR voice is important. What you say MATTERS, so much more than I can ever tell you. You never know when that moment of compassion or hatred, might be someone's tipping point. Voice your opinions, but be aware of the larger impact.

I love the written word. Much more than I often love people. (sorry, but its true) Books have long been my preferred companions. I recently became aware and involved in the wonderful world of m/m books. This is a woefully under appreciated genre. Some of the most amazingly compassionate, and brilliant writers I've ever had the pleasure to read and interact with can be found there. When I discovered them, I realized that I was NOT the only person that had GI Joes that married each other, (or barbies that dated barbies) These were MY people. People, that while not always LGBTQ themselves, were definitely allies. Like every genre there can be a degree of infighting and rivalries, BUT for the most part I find it a warm community of writers that support each other, and those aspiring writers.  I have also been lucky enough to meet some people that I know will be life-long friends, and a few that have inspired me beyond imagining with their words. Love you guys! :)

T & U is for Trans* & Unique

Still blogging A to Z.


author note: sorry I am once again running behind. I honestly was having a really hard time writing this post and getting what I had to say right. Hopefully I do.


Topic: Trans* and Unique.

Every single person out there is unique. No one person is just alike another, not even identical twins. the world is amazingly diverse, and we are BLESSED to live in it. Our Uniqueness is what makes life interesting. Its what makes life worthwhile.

I wanted to take the time to talk about the Trans* people of the rainbow. I know several. In different stages of transition, and I know a few that will NEVER make a full transition. By choice.

Imagine, just for a moment, that you woke up in the opposite sex's body. It feels wrong, and nothing you do, no matter what will let you change back.. There might be a few things you don't mind, or are a novelty at first, but at the core of yourself you know its not right.. You are probably thinking.. Hey, I watched that movie. Now imagine being born that way.

Imagine being born in a body that seems like a betrayal every time you look in the mirror. Imagine having the strength of character to not only acknowledge it, but to choose to change it. Now imagine all of your friends, and family and even strangers on the street ridiculing you, or WORSE even people of the LGB community, and judging your life choices without truly understanding. This is what Trans* people go through all the time. And even if they can afford the expensive treatments, and surgeries, there will still be people that will say that they aren't REALLY a man, or they aren't REALLY a woman.

I truly respect and admire that kind of strength. I admire that kind of courage, to KNOW how hard your path is, and rather than hiding and denying, embracing it, and choosing to be the person that they are inside. That is special, and amazing.

I want to share a quick story about a family. A military family. A mom, a soldier, and their 5 children. The oldest son, graduated, went into the military, and a few years later, shortly before DADT was repealed, came out as gay. The family took it in stride, even though the dad, had often used homophobic slurs in the past. He loved his stepson, he adjusted.. Then their oldest daughter, came out as gay as well, and they took that in stride as well. The mom and I are close, and she often called to talk about things, and use me as a sounding board. Soon the daughter started calling me as well.

One night she called late, around 11pm, and she was crying, and she said, I want to tell my mom, that I'm trans, but I'm scared. (I already knew, partly because she friend requested me on fb under her preferred name) I told her to have a little faith, that if her mom hadn't run off screaming yet, she probably wouldn't. She said she was scared her mom would think it was just a phase (she's 19). Eventually she got off the phone with promises to talk to her mom.

I tossed and turned. I was sure my friend would accept her child, but I too was scared that I gave bad advice. The next morning, my phone rang early. It was my friend. She called to thank me. She knew her child was struggling with something, but was afraid to tell her. She said it made no difference to her. That whether her child was male or female, she still loved her child.

(it also turned out that her middle child came out as bi, around the same time.) So this homophobic dad, completely did a 180, because he loves his kids. (even though they aren't biologically his) He supports his kids 100%.. and you know what that is how EVERY family SHOULD be.

This family is amazing. They not only support their kids, but have opened their home to a few other kids that were kicked out of their homes when they came out. I love them, I'm happy that they are my adopted family.

Anyway.. I could go into a million statistics.. or whatever, but at the end of the day, the point is that people are people. Each and every one of us is beautiful and unique in our own way. If we could all just RESPECT that, the none of the rest of this stuff matters. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Questioning, Queer, Straight.. Love is Love.. and as long as we DO love why does it matter WHO we love.


Here is a video of one family's struggle.

S is for Suicide

BACK on TRACK.. FINALLY!! woohoo!! Blogging A to Z.


TOPIC: Suicide.



If you watch the News, there is no doubt you've seen media coverage of LGBTQ teen suicides.  Some newer studies are showing that a LGBTQ teen is 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then their straight counterparts. (I know it seems like I keep going over and over and over this.. but until the world changes. I feel like I have to)  There is an epidemic in this country of Bullying, of teen suicide, and the question is what are YOU, and I going to do about it? Our school system has become a cesspool of hate and bigotry, and the words coming out of these kids mouths are TAUGHT to them by people in their lives.

I've said it again and again, and I will continue to say it. We need to stop teaching our children to HATE. Stop teaching them to hate others, and stop teaching them to hate themselves.


here is a couple of resources..


The Trevor Project  (if YOU or someone you know needs a hand please please please ask for help)





The It Gets Better Project:





GLSEN : the Gay Lesbian and Straight education network

There are many many many organizations and what not out there to help you, to empower you, to get you to understand that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are perfect the way you are. You are LOVED AND WANTED.  You CAN get through whatever you are going through, and it will get better.

Please don't give a Permanent solution to a Temporary problem.


If you are in MY area, (Mid-Missouri), and in need of help. Please contact me. If I can do nothing else but listen, I'll do it.

my email: engineerqueen@rocketmail.com (that's my yahoo messenger name too. add me and just put eternal scoreboard in the request)

You can contact me via facebook as well: http://facebook.com/LGBTPulaskiCoMo

There have been to many beautiful lights snuffed out already. One more is too many.

R is for Religion

A to Z blogging challenge

Disclaimer:  these are my personal opinions formed over many years of being subjected to abuse inflicted upon me by a religious family, and by the church itself... I will attempt to be as diplomatic as possible.








I love what the gentleman points out at the end. Despite the hate, discrimination, molestation, that we face as LGBTQ people for the most part we remain a warm, loving, community that continues to try to make this world a better place.

Originally I was going to post some videos that more clearly highlighted hate that is pushed upon us by the religious right, but you know what, If you want to see that more than likely you can go to your local church today, or turn on your tv and watch the news.. Better yet, listen to the people running to be your PRESIDENT.

People are Born LESBIAN, GAY, and BISEXUAL. TRANS people were born feeling as though they are in the WRONG body. We don't recruit your children. We aren't contagious. We've always BEEN there, from the beginning of time. We are just finally speaking up for ourselves and demanding that our voices be heard.

GOD, G*D, ALLAH.. Will YOUR deity judge ME more for LOVING, or YOU more for HATING. I was BORN the way that I am. You are taught to hate, to fill your children with hate. and if they are like ME you teach them to HATE themselves. There is an epidemic of DEATH in this country of LGBTQ kids taking their own lives. This keeps me up at night, and makes me cry in sorrow. I want to take every child and hug. Tell them they PERFECT just the way they are. That it will get better.

Religion... I grew up in a Catholic family. I left the Church a LONG time ago. Sometimes I miss the routine and community of religion, however I will NOT raise my children to HATE anyone else.. I always thought that God was supposed to be about LOVE, Maybe GOD is but RELIGION is not.  Its rhetoric and dogma based on a book written THOUSANDS of years ago. The world has evolved since then and there is a better understanding of things.

IN my OPINION the bible is a BOOK written BY MEN, for MEN. It was also TRANSLATED AND RETRANSLATED BY MEN in times where the people in power changed things to suit themselves. So to me the bible is a book, and it can't rule MY life, and I will not live my life to HATE myself, or anyone else.

There is a long video I'm going to post at the end, by Single Dad Laughing (Dan Pearce) called: I'm Christian, unless you are Gay.. This is a video made by a White, Straight Man. Please watch it if you have time. :) I am also posting SDL's It gets better video.

O, P, Q, is for Opportunity, Pride, and Quirks

A to Z blogging challenge

O, P, Q is for Opportunity Pride and Quirks.



As LGBTQ people, we aren't asking for things to be handed to us on a silver platter. We aren't seeking to get jobs just because of our orientation, but we are asking for the OPPORTUNITY to work in any job we qualify for without having to worry about being fired on the basis of whom we might choose to fall in love with. Equal Opportunity and Equal Protection under the law. that's it. Nothing that infringes on the heterosexual populations rights.

Pride's for the year are gearing up. I've honestly never been, but have plans to attend a few events over the summer with friends. More or less planning on being Den mommy to a pack of crazy wild boys, and their more sedate other halves. We shall see how it goes, and I'm sure I'll be writing a CRAZY blog post to go along with my travels. :)   But lets talk about Pride (not the events but the feeling)

pride  (prd)n.1. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect.
2. Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement, possession, or association: parental pride.3. Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness.
4.a. A cause or source of pleasure or satisfaction; the best of a group or class: These soldiers were their country's pride.b. The most successful or thriving condition; prime: the pride of youth.

Pride, something that maybe our LGBTQ doesn't have enough of. A sense of one's own proper dignity or value. We need to teach our children to be proud of their differences to take pride in who they are instead of teaching them the hateful rhetoric that comes from an arrogant, disdainful society.


Our QUIRKS, and little differences, are what make the world such a wonderful and beautiful place. Don't be afraid to embrace those things... because no matter who you are or where you are in life.. there is something about you that makes you beautiful. ;)

N is for Never

A to Z blogging challenge.




Topic: NEVER


Its a word we say a lot.. Never.  and very often we end up doing what we said we'd "NEVER" do.  I said I'd NEVER get married (I did it.. twice), I said I'd NEVER have kids (I have 3).  but there are a few NEVERs that I plan on sticking too.

I will NEVER turn my back on my children.
I will NEVER lie to myself to make myself feel better.
I will NEVER allow myself the luxury of forgetting what it is to deny basic truths about myself.
I will NEVER stop fighting.
I will NEVER stop surviving.
I will NEVER give in to the fear of admitting I was wrong.
I will ALWAYS lend my voice to those who have need of it.
I will ALWAYS stand up for what I think is right.
I will ALWAYS try to keep my heart and my mind open especially when I don't understand something.

What Will you NEVER do?

What will you ALWAYS do?

M is for Media

I had a lot of deeply personal things going on this week.. Sick kids just compounded it.

A to Z blogging Challenge.


Topic: M is for Media.


Media is a tool, that can be used both for and against any topic. It all depends on the spin.. soo I thought that I would show some of my favorite gay rights media, you can watch it or not.. up to you completely! :)

this is one of the most powerful videos I've watched, and currently ranks as my favorite.

whether you like it or not, Homosexuality has been around since People have. Its well documented to occur in the animal kingdom. Media is  powerful tool. it can help people, and it can hurt people.  The amount of hate speech (especially by politicians and religious leaders) can really hurt.. there are so many teenage suicides, because we teach our children to hate.. To hate each other, and worse to hate themselves. We need to stop. We need to be more careful what kind of messages we are sending our children. 

Poetry: Done

DONE

I don't like to use the word hate, 

but sometimes I hate you so much my throat clogs

with words I want to say but shouldn't

words that if they had power would destroy you. 

You act like you think I live to serve you

That you can walk all over me like dirt 

That I am no better than that after everything

I am not dirt, I am not yours to walk on anymore.

My feelings of guilt over things I couldn't change

Let you walk on me, let you use me in the past.

I never betrayed your trust like you did mine.

My guilty feelings were over things inside myself.

The shame I had is societies shame, no longer mine.

I couldn't make myself feel the way I thought I should.

That doesn't make me less, that makes me human.

That makes me someone who won't take abuse anymore.

But I am done with self-recrimination.

I am done with your lies and subterfuge.

I am finished with the half-life I was living.

I am moving on, better, stronger, and happier than before. 

CarrieAnn Murphy

©2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: One Last Time

One Last Time

Fingertips brush down my spine

Lips nibbling near my ear

The slight tug on my hair

As you pull my head back to accept your kiss.

Tonight We hold each other as if its not ending

Loving the way our bodies sing for one another

This was not where we went wrong

It was everything outside this room, this bed.

My love for you hasn't died

Your love for me never truly lived.

I tell myself I'm okay with that

I am only lying to myself

Your body spooned against mine

So close, I can't tell where you end and I begin

Lovers just for tonight, One last time

Tomorrow will come too soon, ending the spell

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

© 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Lies

Lies

A lie starts so small and innocent,

but has the power to shape nations

to crumble otherwise stable foundations

to end that which you spent a lifetime building.

Your little lies cascaded into a waterfall

the deluge eroding the love we shared

My heart hardened by the flood of pain

Not able to believe in what you say.

You want me to forgive you and move on.

Forgiveness, when you aren't even sorry?

I will be moving on, without you.

Wary the next time pretty words spill from pretty lips.

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

© 2012 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Poetry: Whispers in the Dark

Whispers in the Dark

Pretty curves half hidden in shadow.

Perspiration drying on your heaving chest

Eyes heavy lidded, and satisfied

Lips parted, still panting from exertion

You are so beautiful, perfect.

Limp limps lying on our bed.

Relaxed, and ready for sleep.

Still you reach for me.

Your hoarse voice whispers love words

My own voice returns them

I look at you, and know I'm lucky

You look at me, and know I'm yours.

~ CarrieAnn Murphy

©2012 All Rights Reserved

L is for Love

A to Z blogging challenge: L


Topic: L is for Love


I want to take a moment to talk about LOVE.. I am not talking about love between a parent and child, or even love between a couple.. I am talking about SELF-LOVE, self-respect.  I am absolutely horrified that in our super connected, media saturated world, we are teaching our children (not just LGBTQ kids) to HATE themselves. We teach them that they need to conform to societies view of them physically, mentally spiritually in order to be "accepted". You need to be a certain size, wear a certain style, have a certain about of money, worship at a certain place, be as smart as a certain person.

Kids are bullied every day, often over things they have no control over. Instead of teaching our children to embrace their differences, to love themselves, to be confident in themselves we are teaching them that they need to CONFORM. We teach our children self-hatred. That's not okay.

You need to teach them to LOVE themselves because that is the MOST important relationship they will EVER EVER have.

Kids that BULLY other kids do so because THEY feel like less, not because their victims are really less. People that bully other people do so because THEY don't like themselves, because in order to feel GOOD about themselves they must TREAT other people like they are LESS. They do it to make themselves feel SUPERIOR to someone else. People that bully others, don't love themselves.

So what can we do about it? We need to SPEAK up, SPEAK out, and teach our CHILDREN to LOVE themselves. Maybe the next time you see someone bullying someone else, you take the time not only to find out if the VICTIM is okay, but take the time to find out what might be going on with the BULLY. Kids project what they are taught.. maybe we should pay closer attention in our ADULT lives, about how we might be teaching our children to act.

K is for Kindness

Trying to play catch up with the A to Z challenge, since I pinched a nerve in my shoulder and really wasn't typing too well for a couple of days.


Topic: Kindness


I have been luckier than most. When I came out 99% of my friends, even ones that were "religious", were supportive of me. They simply do not care. They only care that I am happy, and they can see how much being honest and open has made me happier. So today is dedicated to those that despite what their church or their friends or whatever told them, showed me kindness and understanding.

These are the same type of people that everyday make the world a more bearable and wonderful place to live. The fact is that LGBTQ people are NOT going away. We've been around forever, and we are determined to have an equal place in society. So maybe the next time you encounter someone who is different then you, you could exercise a little bit of kindness.

J is for Jabber

Continuing on with the A to Z Blogging Challenge.




topic: Jabber..


You got it.. I didn't research anything for today.. in fact the day is pretty much over.. I am exhausted.. the result of getting ready for a housing inspection... yay. Not really. Actually it wouldn't be a big deal at all if we hadn't been out of town, and then got hit with sickness upon our return.

J- really should be for jacuzzi, because my aching body, could sure use one right about now. Anyway, that is pretty much my short little blurb.

H & I is for Hate and Ignorance

So I totally missed blogging yesterday because I had family stuff going on that took precedence over the internet.. *GASP* I know, it happens. haha.

So this comprises my H and I posts for the A to Z blogging challenge.





Topic: Hate and Ignorance (they go nicely together yeah?)


If you are alive and semi-aware in today's world. You've seen the news. You've seen the putrid, malevolent hate and violence that some people spew. Towards LGBTQ people, towards Muslims, towards whomever.. It seems as though there is a whole culture of people that cannot abide by diversity.  You have seen the high profile cases like, Matthew Sheppard or Jamey Rodemeyer. One was an outright murder, where the other was the result of bullying to the point of suicide.

Hate. I will never understand it. I don't WANT to understand it. But I do want to wage war against it. and we CANNOT do that as a community if we resort to the same underhanded tactics as those who hate us. We have to be the better, more moral side. Its easy to let hate into your heart, and it is very difficult to let it go. As soon as we resort to the bitter name-calling tactics that they use, we are NO better than them.  We have to be better than that.

Ignorance. Sadly, many of the people that are so hate-filled have no idea what a real Gay person is like. They believe these CRAZY things about LGBT people. Guess what? We are JUST like everyone else. Its simple. We are not uber promiscuous people (no more so really than our straight counterparts) Granting us rights will not negate or lessen your rights. So actually KNOW what the hell you are talking about before you start quoting bible verses at us. Because honestly, In MY OPINION, Jesus and God would be ashamed of the assinine behaviour of so-called Christians.

On that note, I'm gonna post a video and recommend that you check out Single Dad Laughing which is the website run by the creator of the video. The video is long.. but worth it. He did a whole series on this subject. Listen with an open mind. :)

G is for Gorgeous (Photos)

Day 7: A to Z blogging challenge








Topic: Gorgeous

Love is beautiful. People are beautiful. Therefore, People IN love are beautiful. Doesn't matter if they are

straight:

Lesbian:

Gay:

this is one of my favorite couples, Adult Industry professionals and real couple, Austin Wilde and Anthony Romero

bi, tans ( I didn't post photos because really they would look like ANY other gay or straight couple)

Whatever you identify as, if you are in love with another person, its a beautiful thing. Love is gorgeous and wonderful, and we should be grateful to find it. Too much time is spent hung up on what might be going on in someone else's bedroom. Who cares?

anyway, nothing deep today. Just some pretty pictures. a simple message, and I am done for today. Taking tomorrow off.  Happy Holidays to those that celebrate. I'll be back on Monday with a post about Hate.