Poetry: Struggle Daily

Sometimes it's funny how memories can be so sharp.

I can feel the glass, cold in my hand.

I can taste the liquor wash over my tongue.

I can feel the burn as it slides down my throat.

And I struggle daily, as the memories assail me.

Sometimes I wish I could just have one drink. 

One drink to wash away worry and stress and life.

I know that one drink is both never enough and too many.

I am an alcoholic, and I struggle daily. 

I wonder how memories can be so sharp after so long.

It's been eight years since that glass has weighted my hand.

I'm removed from my past behaviour. 

I've changed so much since then, except for the craving.

Sometimes the desire is worse now than it was at the start.

It's hard to remember the black outs, and the vomit.

It's hard to remember detoxing and withdrawal.

It's hard to remember that I can't stop when I start.

It's easy to remember the slow burn, and the taste.

It's easy to remember that buzz.

But I look to my children and try to remember the bad.

I struggle, but prevail one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

© 2013 Carrie Ann Murphy

Alcohol and other substance abuse remains a prevalent issue for the LGBTQ community. I think this is partly due to the cultivation of a subculture labeling LGBTQ people as "partiers" out for only a good time. Substance abuse should not be a harrowing right of passage that we pass along to our LGBTQ youth. We lose too many great lights to this disease. Because make no mistake, it IS a disease, and very very few people can kick this without help. 

Our Debt.

We owe a debt to those who have paved our way.

Just as we pave the way for the youth that follows.

I have hope that there will come a blessed day,

When "It Gets Better" doesn't ring so hollow. 

When parents no longer turn out their lgbt child.

Just for daring to be who they were born to be.

I know the idea is amazing, a little crazy and wild.

But I have to have hope that we'll someday be free.

Free to love who we love, and marry who we choose.

Free to live openly without fear of being abused. 

Free to know that our jobs we won't lose. 

Free of the excuses that those churches like to use.

But today we are still struggling along the path.

Today our youth are still dying because of hate.

Every single one of us must use our wrath.

To give them a chance for a better fate. 

Our youth are dying in the streets and in the schools.

Don't accept that there is nothing you can do.

Put in the time, volunteer, mentor, don't be a fool.

You might save a kid's life, it really is true. 

You might give hope where there was none,

You might light someone's way. 

You may change the mind of a kid with a gun.

Who thinks no one can hear what they say.

You might not succeed, and we'll lose some along the way.

It doesn't mean we ever stop trying.

Every child, every person deserves to be loved for who they are.

No child, no person should think living is harder than dying.

© 2012 CA Murphy 

Hello Strangers!

It has been awhile since I blogged. Life got sort of busy. In April I started a local group for LGBTQ folks and their Allies. Who knew it would take over my life? I didn't. I didn't realize that it would totally consume me. I have some pretty awesome people that i have met along the way, and we have decided as a whole that we would like to take our group into the non-profit sector and really try to help our local communities understand our rights and our issues. We live in rural Missouri, and for us the nearest group or support type community is over an hour away. So, as we have embarked on this new journey, a lot of my free time has disappeared. 

Honestly I need to learn to manage my time a little bit better. I would love to say that things will even out once school starts, but honestly it will probably just get more hectic with me starting school as well as my children, plus I still have a toddler at home, AND the non-profit, AND I am looking for a job. sigh. So that is what's going on in my world. 

CarrieAnn

Poetry: What is God to me?

What is God to me?
Just a word filled with hypocrisy.
Something to Justify Hate.
An entity you have to sate.

What to me is the Bible?
Just a book filled with Libel.
A book that teaches not love,
a book having us look to help from above.

Our time is better spent here on earth,
rather than looking to others for our self-worth
We need to make good our lives here,
rather than ruling our actions with fear.

What is church to me?
A place that tells me who to be.
A place that tells me, love is a sin.
A place that never welcomes me in.

There isn't a place for me in your Chistianity.
For surely if I believed I'd lose my sanity.
I refuse to hate myself to serve your faith.
To bow down to that would be a disgrace.

I long ago abandoned your shallow teaching,
because there is beauty in souls worth reaching.
I can't stifle my light for you.
To my own heart I must be true.

If you want to see God, look to your sisters and brothers.
If you want to see good, stop looking to others.
Be the good you need to see
For only then will you be free.


©2012  CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

V & W is for Voice & Writing.

Blogging A to Z



topic: Voice and Writing


The world view is changing. That is a fact. It might be slow in coming about, but we are getting there. Eventually in history, it will not seem scandalous that famous people had same sex lover/partners/husbands/wives. It won't matter. But I want to let you know, YOUR voice is important. What you say MATTERS, so much more than I can ever tell you. You never know when that moment of compassion or hatred, might be someone's tipping point. Voice your opinions, but be aware of the larger impact.

I love the written word. Much more than I often love people. (sorry, but its true) Books have long been my preferred companions. I recently became aware and involved in the wonderful world of m/m books. This is a woefully under appreciated genre. Some of the most amazingly compassionate, and brilliant writers I've ever had the pleasure to read and interact with can be found there. When I discovered them, I realized that I was NOT the only person that had GI Joes that married each other, (or barbies that dated barbies) These were MY people. People, that while not always LGBTQ themselves, were definitely allies. Like every genre there can be a degree of infighting and rivalries, BUT for the most part I find it a warm community of writers that support each other, and those aspiring writers.  I have also been lucky enough to meet some people that I know will be life-long friends, and a few that have inspired me beyond imagining with their words. Love you guys! :)

T & U is for Trans* & Unique

Still blogging A to Z.


author note: sorry I am once again running behind. I honestly was having a really hard time writing this post and getting what I had to say right. Hopefully I do.


Topic: Trans* and Unique.

Every single person out there is unique. No one person is just alike another, not even identical twins. the world is amazingly diverse, and we are BLESSED to live in it. Our Uniqueness is what makes life interesting. Its what makes life worthwhile.

I wanted to take the time to talk about the Trans* people of the rainbow. I know several. In different stages of transition, and I know a few that will NEVER make a full transition. By choice.

Imagine, just for a moment, that you woke up in the opposite sex's body. It feels wrong, and nothing you do, no matter what will let you change back.. There might be a few things you don't mind, or are a novelty at first, but at the core of yourself you know its not right.. You are probably thinking.. Hey, I watched that movie. Now imagine being born that way.

Imagine being born in a body that seems like a betrayal every time you look in the mirror. Imagine having the strength of character to not only acknowledge it, but to choose to change it. Now imagine all of your friends, and family and even strangers on the street ridiculing you, or WORSE even people of the LGB community, and judging your life choices without truly understanding. This is what Trans* people go through all the time. And even if they can afford the expensive treatments, and surgeries, there will still be people that will say that they aren't REALLY a man, or they aren't REALLY a woman.

I truly respect and admire that kind of strength. I admire that kind of courage, to KNOW how hard your path is, and rather than hiding and denying, embracing it, and choosing to be the person that they are inside. That is special, and amazing.

I want to share a quick story about a family. A military family. A mom, a soldier, and their 5 children. The oldest son, graduated, went into the military, and a few years later, shortly before DADT was repealed, came out as gay. The family took it in stride, even though the dad, had often used homophobic slurs in the past. He loved his stepson, he adjusted.. Then their oldest daughter, came out as gay as well, and they took that in stride as well. The mom and I are close, and she often called to talk about things, and use me as a sounding board. Soon the daughter started calling me as well.

One night she called late, around 11pm, and she was crying, and she said, I want to tell my mom, that I'm trans, but I'm scared. (I already knew, partly because she friend requested me on fb under her preferred name) I told her to have a little faith, that if her mom hadn't run off screaming yet, she probably wouldn't. She said she was scared her mom would think it was just a phase (she's 19). Eventually she got off the phone with promises to talk to her mom.

I tossed and turned. I was sure my friend would accept her child, but I too was scared that I gave bad advice. The next morning, my phone rang early. It was my friend. She called to thank me. She knew her child was struggling with something, but was afraid to tell her. She said it made no difference to her. That whether her child was male or female, she still loved her child.

(it also turned out that her middle child came out as bi, around the same time.) So this homophobic dad, completely did a 180, because he loves his kids. (even though they aren't biologically his) He supports his kids 100%.. and you know what that is how EVERY family SHOULD be.

This family is amazing. They not only support their kids, but have opened their home to a few other kids that were kicked out of their homes when they came out. I love them, I'm happy that they are my adopted family.

Anyway.. I could go into a million statistics.. or whatever, but at the end of the day, the point is that people are people. Each and every one of us is beautiful and unique in our own way. If we could all just RESPECT that, the none of the rest of this stuff matters. Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Questioning, Queer, Straight.. Love is Love.. and as long as we DO love why does it matter WHO we love.


Here is a video of one family's struggle.

S is for Suicide

BACK on TRACK.. FINALLY!! woohoo!! Blogging A to Z.


TOPIC: Suicide.



If you watch the News, there is no doubt you've seen media coverage of LGBTQ teen suicides.  Some newer studies are showing that a LGBTQ teen is 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then their straight counterparts. (I know it seems like I keep going over and over and over this.. but until the world changes. I feel like I have to)  There is an epidemic in this country of Bullying, of teen suicide, and the question is what are YOU, and I going to do about it? Our school system has become a cesspool of hate and bigotry, and the words coming out of these kids mouths are TAUGHT to them by people in their lives.

I've said it again and again, and I will continue to say it. We need to stop teaching our children to HATE. Stop teaching them to hate others, and stop teaching them to hate themselves.


here is a couple of resources..


The Trevor Project  (if YOU or someone you know needs a hand please please please ask for help)





The It Gets Better Project:





GLSEN : the Gay Lesbian and Straight education network

There are many many many organizations and what not out there to help you, to empower you, to get you to understand that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are perfect the way you are. You are LOVED AND WANTED.  You CAN get through whatever you are going through, and it will get better.

Please don't give a Permanent solution to a Temporary problem.


If you are in MY area, (Mid-Missouri), and in need of help. Please contact me. If I can do nothing else but listen, I'll do it.

my email: engineerqueen@rocketmail.com (that's my yahoo messenger name too. add me and just put eternal scoreboard in the request)

You can contact me via facebook as well: http://facebook.com/LGBTPulaskiCoMo

There have been to many beautiful lights snuffed out already. One more is too many.