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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fiction: Someone to Watch Over Me Part 1

 *Photos are NOT mine, but the story is, © 2012 CarrieAnn Murphy  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED*

 *photo is of greek model Theo Theodoridis, who I am basing Jaxx off of.* 


Summer 2008






Ajaxx Papalakis had learned from an early age that life wasn't fair. It wasn't fair when he was abandoned on the church steps as an infant, it wasn't fair growing up in the series of foster homes and facilities, especially after figuring out he was gay, and it wasn't fair now. Never would be. Fair was a fantasy for those who could afford to buy it. The only way he'd gotten anywhere is by fighting tooth and nail for it, and never backing down when people told him he couldn't or shouldn't. Sure, he'd beaten the odds by staying off drugs and out of jail. He broke them by finishing high school near the top of his class even though he'd been homeless as often as not.

At 18, Jaxx joined the US Army, and now at 28, after 10 years, he was being forced to hang up his gun and boots, and walk away. Don't ask, Don't tell reared its ugly head and bit him in the ass. Oh well, after 4 tours overseas, he'd had enough, anyway. He'd seen enough war and blood and suffering in third world countries. There was plenty of suffering to see here in the United States. Still, it was bittersweet, as he said goodbyes to the friends he'd made along the way. It was hardest to say goodbye to his best friends, Ryan MacAllister and Javier Jimenez. They'd been stationed together more often then not ever since they'd all met in basic training a lifetime ago. They were an odd bunch. The Greek, the Scotch-Irish, and the Mexican. They were closer than brothers. Jaxx and Javier were both darker in complexion, than Mac's pale Irish skin. Jaxx's green eyes often prompted questions about whether or not he was wearing contacts.

Jaxx took a few minutes to scan his apartment, to make sure they hadn't forgotten anything. He could hear Mac and JJ arguing good naturedly over their favorite football teams downstairs. He couldn't help but smile, those two always found something to argue about. He was so absorbed in his own world he was startled by the soft hand that touched his arm.

Sissy McCain-McAllister's soft Texas drawled rolled over him, "Sorry, Darlin', I didn't mean to make you jump." She smiled sadly. "These guys are really gonna miss you." He took a moment to admire her tall slender frame, and the long untameable curls that looked as if flames licked down her back. He couldn't help but think that she complemented Mac so well. Maybe now that he was leaving the military, he could find someone to come home to as well.

Jaxx, nodded tightly, his throat suddenly seizing up on him. He tried to smile and joke, "What's that supposed to mean Sis, you aren't gonna miss me?" He ran a nervous hand over his short military haircut, and down his clean-shaven face.

She laughed, but her expression remained serious, "It just won't be the same without you." They both turned their heads as they heard truck doors slam and the grumbling about "lazy people" come wafting up the stairs. "Guess that's your cue. Why don't y'all say good bye, and I'll lock up." She held her hand out for the keys and pushed Jaxx towards the door. 

Jaxx headed down the stairs watching his two friends lean up against his packed to the gills U haul. When he reached them, he rubbed his suddenly sweaty hands down his grimy jeans, and stuck his hand out to shake Mac's hand. Mac batted the hand away and pulled Jaxx's smaller frame in for a hug. He whispered, "Gonna miss you, Jaxx." Mac cleared his throat, and then said louder, as he pushed Jaxx away, "You make sure you keep in touch, okay."

Jaxx nodded, then looked to Javier, who stood back a bit, looking like he wasn't sure whether to cry or hit something. Though Jaxx and Mac were close, there was always an extra closeness with Javier. Perhaps because they both grew up without any real 'family' to rely upon. "Well, you gonna wish me luck Jimenez?"

Javier grunted, and said, "This is all bullshit, man. You shouldn't even be having to go. Can't you fight it?"

Jaxx leveled a look at his friend, and said quietly, "Its true, if I fight it then it could end up worse. At least like this I get an honorable discharge. Now, wish me well, and let me get on the road."

Javier felt like his right arm was being severed just thinking about Jaxx leaving their little circle, and he didn't really want to examine why he felt that way. He scowled at Jaxx's explanation, but hugged his friend fiercely, and said quietly, "You better get a place big enough for us to crash when we come visit."

Jaxx couldn't help but shiver, at Javier's breath against his neck. Other body parts started to take notice as well. He stepped back, and pasted a smile on. "Watch each other's back, and don't fight so much now that I'm not gonna be around to referee." 

Ryan and Javier stood shoulder to shoulder as they watched Jaxx jump into his moving truck and drive away.







<
*Nick Ayler, Whom I'm basing Mac on*

 *Bernardo Velasco, whom I'm basing Javier on*                                  >

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Poetry: I loved her



I loved her


I loved her once.
With all the fiery passion my body could hold.
I hated her once.
With all the cold fury of a love betrayed.
Love wasn’t enough to hold us together.
Tears were enough to keep us apart.
Sometimes I can still smell her perfume,
Though many years have passed since then.
Sometimes, my arms can still feel her,
Even though I know she’s being held by another.
How can I move on when her phantom haunts me?
Ten years later the emotions are still fresh and new.
Sometimes all I want to do is pick up the phone,
Just so I can hear her accented voice roll over me.
I stop myself, knowing that its over.
I loved her once.
I love her still.
© CarrieAnn Murphy 2011 All Rights Reserved

authors note: True story, but at the end of the day, if you asked whether I would go back and do it again knowing what I know now. Absolutely. I don't regret anything. Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. (timeline in reference to 10 years is a little off, but other wise 100% accurate)

Friday, January 13, 2012

My opinion on: ANTHONYland: I was bullied, too...


On the wonderful world of Twitter, someone I follow, and like an awful lot posted something that pissed people off in reference to suicide. He posted that, " If you kill yourself because of bullying, I don't fell sorry for you. I was bullied; I didn't kill myself. I deserve an award more."
Now I can see where A) it would be offensive and B) where I agree with him.



ANTHONYland: I was bullied, too...: This is the comment I made that pissed people off (the most recent one, at least). Well, I don't apologize. I stand behind my staement. If you commit suicide because you were bullied, then I don't feel sorry for you. If you became a better person, moved on, and made a great life for yourself, then I care. I don't know what started this fad where you kill yourself just because some unhappy abused little prick chose you as his stress ball, but it's not cool. (CLICK on the link to read the rest, Its worth it I swear!)



This person of course was Next Door Studios exclusive, Anthony Romero. (so if you are offended by people in the adult entertainment business, don't click on the link above) Anthony went on to post a pretty insightful blog post about how he was bullied that explained where he was coming from.

I'm not going to give a blow by blow of what he said, Go read it!

I am SO tired of seeing the news stories about how this gay teen or that gay teen was bullied, and they committed suicide. I'm SORRY if they were bullied, so was I. Did it screw me up? Yep, to some extent I still live with the after affects. Did life go on? Yep.

When it comes down to it, it makes ME and obviously Anthony angry to see kids commit suicide because they were gay and they were bullied. Granted, we are looking at it from the other side. We've been through it, we've gotten past it, and we've moved on. I think that I can understand the desperation of these kids, and I think Anthony can understand it even better as he is IN that age range. Kids have a lot to deal with today. Being different is never easy, whether its because of your sexual orientation, financial status ect. Chances are, you ARE going to be bullied at SOME point for SOMETHING. Don't despair, these people will eventually fade away into the past.

The illusion that all is "fair" in life, is just that an illusion. Life isn't fair. Its NEVER gonna be fair. Life is what you make of it. Stand UP for yourself. Find a hobby. If you are being bullied TELL SOMEONE! If that person doesn't care, TELL SOMEONE ELSE. Make your voice heard. If you are contemplating suicide. GET HELP! There are resources out there. Do a google search, lots of stuff will come up.

For GLBT Youth:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

or Call: 1*800*SUICIDE (784-2433)
Also: 1*800*273*TALK (8255)


Thoughts and opinions are welcome.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Poetry: Finding Myself (NEW)

I also posted this on tumblr: http://engineerqueen.tumblr.com/post/15435163687/finding-myself






Finding Myself

I have found myself only in glimpses.
In small sections of clarity that never last.
The essence of me is just out of reach
Even at its closest too elusive to grasp.

I wear many labels sometimes jumbled together.
Woman, Daughter, Lesbian, Mother.
Roles that I play for a time perhaps
Writer, Poet, Dreamer, Musician, Lover.

I spend so much time alone
Spinning the wheels of my mind.
Frustrations build as I am still seeking.
Sometimes wondering what I hope to find.

Its hard to love what I don’t understand.
To embrace this person that I see.
I want to, but at times I see only the flaws.
I need to let go I guess and just be me.

There isn’t choreographed steps of what is.
There are no lines to be read.
There isn’t a clear cut path to follow.
I shouldn’t care what is said.

Like everyone else I am searching
Figuring it out as I go along
It doesn’t matter if I find myself.
It only matters that I stay strong.

©2011 CarrieAnn Murphy

Holidays 2011



I am not a fan of the holidays. Partly because I'm not a religious person. I don't get all the hype and hoopla that the merchandisers put everyone through. My children are provided for all year long, we don't do huge birthday celebrations, or huge holidays. I think part of my issue also has to do with of course, this year their dad is in Afghanistan. They weren't feeling overly cheery about the holiday and neither was I.

However, for Christmas, we were invited to my Sister's home for dinner. It was nice. My sister and I are not close, and though we live close together we see each other very rarely. Our children adore each other though, and we all had a very pleasant day despite some hiccups. Lets just say there are certain things that will never be okay with me. Recreational drug use is one of those things. Even if it wasn't my sister doing it, and it was happening in a back room of her home, it still made me uncomfortable, and definitely ready to leave. Too many years of military background I guess.

Anyhow, I was very glad to say goodbye to 2011 and Hello to 2012. Lets hope this is a great year!